Dating and Dickpics: Episode 15

This one isn’t following the usual pattern of Dating and Dickpics, namely because of the unexpected news of the season: I have a boyfriend.

That’s right, I have a boyfriend. It’s still a novelty to tell people ‘I’m in a relationship’ and I’m not going to lie, changing my relationship status on Facebook was incredibly satisfying.

Remember the sweet guy I mentioned last time? I ended up telling him how I felt, he said he felt the same but we should take it slow…so that’s exactly what we did. And here we are now, in a relationship and being as cute as hell. We’re cheesy, cute and charming and we love it. Honestly, he’s the best guy I’ve dated. I’ve never been with someone so wonderful. He’s so thoughtful and he makes me smile so much that my cheeks hurt.

Snapshot of what me and bae are like together

This has been going on for a couple of months now, so I decided to do the decent thing and come clean to my dad. For those of you who are unaware, my dad is liberal but with a catch. The catch being that he can’t help but conform to the patriarchal stereotype of an overprotective dad. You see it all the time in popular culture – dads are there to scare off their daughter’s partners, be overprotective and warn their daughters about the ‘dangers of dating’. Sure, he’s ‘modern’ in the sense that I can do whatever I want, but when it comes to dating, having a boyfriend and doing other things, it’s something he’ll never quite accept. A self-proclaimed feminist, he’s all for the women in his family doing what the men do and he’s always told me that I can achieve anything, irrespective of my gender, so he’s never held me back because I’m a woman. But mention me dating guys and it’s like a red rag to a bull! He doesn’t get angry, but it went down a little like this.

‘Hey dad, you know how you said you wanted me and my brother to see you not just as a dad, but as a friend? I’m taking you up on that offer. I have some news.’

After this little introduction, my dad is like this:

I’m listening, tell me more…

‘I have a boyfriend. We’ve been seeing each other for a couple of months. I’m not going to tell you everything about him because I don’t want to jinx it, but you’ll meet him after six months or so.’

My dad’s facial expression then took a turn for the worse…

I need a drink to deal with this.

So he took a sip of his drink. I was all ‘ah yes, my boyfriend is lovely, we’re taking it slow, we’re not doing any tings, he makes me really happy etc.’ thinking that it would ease his mind.

He reacted like this:

Millie, please stop talking. I don’t want to hear this shit.

My mum (who is a certified babe) tried to jump in and help me out by asking if my dad wanted to know anything specifically about my boyfriend or would like to meet him earlier. My dad finally broke his silence (he had been screaming internally the entire time, I’m sure).

‘I’ve heard enough. I don’t want to know anything. Keep me in the dark. I’ll meet him when the time is right but there is no rush.’

‘Would you like to know anything else, dad?’

‘ABSOLUTELY NOT.’

He then went about eating his dinner and I left because it was bloody awkward and I wanted the ground to open and swallow me up.

We haven’t spoken about my relationship since and I’m more than happy to keep it that way. Obviously, I tell my mum everything because she’s cool and a little nosy; we also have that kind of chilled out relationship where I can tell her anything without being judged for it.

Rest assured, there will definitely be a follow up as and when my boyfriend meets my family. We’re all crazy so it should be a very interesting experience!

Another One

At some point, my posts will become more regular, I promise. But life often gets in the way of all of that.

Things have been relatively uneventful. Everything in my life is steady and settled, for once. Stability may seem boring for some but I relish it. Some exciting things have occurred though and some other less exciting but kind of important things have also happened. Here’s a list (I LOVE LISTS).

• I got diagnosed with PCOS (polycystic ovary syndrome) which explains a lot. Well, not a lot, just my adult acne, which has been driving me insane considering I never had acne when I was a teenager. Having PCOS is like having another awkward bout of puberty. Anyway, I wrote an article about it for babe, so I’m going to shamelessly plug it here. (Can we also appreciate my fire selfie that’s been used at the top of the article?)

My selfie is lit

• I had the most amazing time out with my best friend, her boyfriend and my boyfriend last weekend. We drank too much, ate too much and laughed too much and it was fabulous. They’re my people and I love them so much!

We were #squadgoals at the weekend

• I have a new job! It’s in social media. Yes, that’s right. All of the time I spent after work on social media and building a brand for myself has finally paid off! I now feel as though I can legitimately be called the Meme Queen. My boyfriend was previously just calling me it because I not-so-subtly hinted that I love memes (i.e. I kept spamming his FB messages with memes) but now I have earned the privilege of the title…kind of.

This genius gif doesn’t need a caption

• I’m making excellent progress with my book. I’m not writing as much as I would like to because it’s emotionally exhausting. I can’t believe that I’m the same person that wrote all of these diaries and went through all of that. It doesn’t seem remotely real. It feels like a nightmare that someone else lived, not me. It’s been a cathartic exercise though; I feel like that part of my past is well and truly over and I’ll never relapse.

Actual footage of me writing my book

And that’s just about it!

You’re a Mean One, Ms Grinch

It’s that time of year again: Christmas. The older I get, the less I enjoy Christmas. I’ve styled myself as quite the humbug. Sure, I’ll join in the festivities, but Christmas has lost all its sentimental value for me. Here’s my definitive guide to everything that’s wrong with the festive season.

Christmas starts in September, if you’re lucky

As soon as summer is over, people immediately jump onto the Christmas bandwagon. Sometimes, summer isn’t even over before they do it — have you ever watched a shopping channel on TV and seen shit like ‘Christmas in July’? What idiot thought of that?! Halloween hasn’t even passed and the shops are decked out in premature Christmas decorations. People start counting down the days like it’s the bloody be-all and end-all. Turkeys are slaughtered earlier and earlier each year. It’s so enraging that I almost feel like protesting against premature Christmas celebrations. IT’S JUST WRONG.

There’s always a silly argument

Inevitably, you’re stuck with your family for Christmas. Familiarity breeds contempt and before you know it, someone has said something extremely offensive and Christmas Day is ruined. Either that or you argue about exactly how long the turkey should be cooked, even though it comes with clear instructions, and not only have you had a falling out, but the turkey is drier than Gandhi’s flip flop.

You’re perpetually hungover

December shouldn’t be named as such. It should be ‘Hangomber’ because pretty much as soon as the clock strikes midnight on 30th November, you’re drunk until New Year’s Day. Fortunately, I am immune to hangovers so I don’t know how awful they truly are, but I hear they turn you into an extra cast member of The Walking Dead. You still have to show your face at work, no matter how many times you’ve vomited on the journey there. How is that any fun?

Festive sweets and puddings are shit

Here me out on this. I’m not slagging off the good stuff like chocolate. I’m talking about Christmas pudding, Christmas cake and mince pies aka The Unholy Trinity. They basically contain the same ingredients and those ingredients are an abomination to tastebuds nationwide. Who in their right mind would eat dried fruit out of choice? And who decided that all three Christmas sweets needed the exact same ingredients, just cooked in a different way? Fruit should be eaten fresh, juiced or made into alcohol. It should not ever be overcooked and shoved into three separate things that all appear during the same part of the year from which you cannot ever escape. Think about it: you have already encountered all three forms of this dreadful combination of fruit and spice. And you shall many more times before the year is out.

You always get at least one rubbish gift

Despite putting thought and consideration into all of your gifts, some family member gets you something absolutely awful and you have to grin and bear it, pretending it’s what you’ve always wanted, never mind the fact that you want to hurl it as far as you possibly can and then set fire to it. And because they’re family, you can’t exactly disown them. I mean, you could. Don’t think I haven’t had that thought before.

Christmas office parties are a booby trap

Yes, you go and enjoy yourself. But either you get terribly pissed or someone else does and there’s a myriad of embarrassing stories on Monday morning which make you feel mortified. You want to run into the toilets and lock yourself in there until 5pm, frantically untagging yourself from photos where you look shit-faced on Facebook. You know you weren’t the only one who was an absolute wreck but you feel like you may just die of embarrassment.

Brussel sprouts

Literally no one likes these but for some reason, you absolutely have to have them on the dining table as part of your Christmas luncheon. Apparently, Christmas is incomplete without green vegetables that smell like farts which all inevitably end up being thrown away in the bin.

No one ever kisses you under mistletoe

Be honest, do you actually know someone this has happened to?

This is by no means an exhaustive list. I could go on and on about how rubbish Christmas is. New Years Eve is the real festivity to get your claws stuck into. It’s full of optimism, joy and alcohol. Christmas, no matter how ‘perfect’ you may think it is, no matter how much effort and hard work you’ve put into it, is always a disappointment.

Updates

I haven’t written in a while, for a number of reasons. Things will be improving soon though as I have a list of about a million and one articles that need to get written and published up here.

So here’s what’s been happening in my slightly tragic life.

• I got a job which was perfect for me because I was basically writing and doing some tech stuff for a living. It looks like it hasn’t worked out as I just got put on gardening leave (not my decision, of course). I can’t say much, obviously (contracts and all that shizzle). But to sum it all up in one gif:

I feel a little betrayed

• My dating life has gone from bad to worse. More about that soon (yes, there shall be another chapter of D&D released).

There’ll always be more D&D

• Contemplating what to do with my life. I thought I had a plan and it was actually a realistic plan. I knew what I was going to do in the next five years. Get a property, move out and work hard. All of that went up in flames today (see point one). Right now I’m scratching my head a little bit. Part of me is contemplating studying again. I’m not sure how I’d manage to do it. I know that I’m in the right frame of mind to study now, whereas I wasn’t entirely when I actually did my undergraduate degree. It’s just funny how you’re expected to make a life-changing decision about what to study at university when you’re just a teenager. My life experiences during and since my undergraduate degree have made me a lot wiser and I know what I want now. I can’t say I did before.

Ahh, academia

• I think for now, at least in the short term, I’ll push on and see what’s in the job market. I’ll do some freelancing and copywriting. Maybe I’ll teach myself another language or something. I’m trying to turn a bad situation on its head and be positive, which is something I’ve not been able to do before when I’ve been disappointed and let down by someone.

The only definitive plan I have

Till the next time,

M.

Update

Just a quick update as I haven’t written in a while. My depression has been pretty bad so I haven’t felt like writing but I’m going to see my doctor next week so we can see what needs to be changed. I probably need a higher dose of my antidepressants or a change of antidepressants. Either way, it’s going to be under control and I need to just focus on that.

I’m also seeing my squad next week and I can’t wait. Friends really do make everything better and I’m lucky enough to have some of the best friends in the world! Undoubtedly, they will cheer me up immensely.

I’m sure my mood will improve (I’m trying to be optimistic about things) so I will get writing soon.

Other bits and pieces:

• My mum is honestly Superwoman. She’s so supportive and lovely. I absolutely adore her.
• The guy I had a few dates with ended up being really immature and a complete *insert expletive here*. I’ll go into detail in the next episode of D&D.
• I’ve noticed that there are some people in my life who I can’t get rid of and they’re extremely toxic and will start an argument for absolutely no reason over something completely trivial.
• I’m excited about St Patrick’s Day even though I’m not Irish.

Dating and Dickpics: Episode 8

Welcome, one and all, to another episode of my tragic love life.

As some of you will know from a brief note in my last column, I went on a date with a really great guy. He’s intelligent, funny and pretty charming. He’s also pretty easy on the eyes, which is always a bonus (and if I’m being honest, a basic requirement). Things are going pretty well between us. We went on another date last week and we basically just chilled out and talked the whole time. We went back to his place after a while and talked for ages until I had to reluctantly make my way home if I had any chance at getting back at my house at a decent, civilised hour. He’s smooth as hell, I’ll tell you that now. He says some of the sweetest stuff. He’s got quite a lot of deadlines so things have cooled off a bit temporarily. I hope it’s just temporary. We seem to have a good time together and we flirt a lot too, so I hope it’s just my anxiety rearing its ugly head and he really does like me.

My anxiety always makes me doubt my pulling abilities

Other than that, I haven’t really entertained any dates from anyone else because the calibre of men is shocking. There’s no one decent. Case in point: the only reason I went on a date with the guy I’m sort of seeing (or pre-dating) is because he came up with a rather quirky way of asking me out and he’s not a douche. He’s a genuinely nice guy who isn’t after everything. But with most guys, they have an ulterior motive. Call it gut instinct because I’ve been a woman my whole life and have had to deal with a barrage of misogyny and sexism, but I just get certain vibes off certain guys. And when it comes to discerning whether or not someone is a creep, I’m rarely ever wrong.

My gut instinct is as good as Annalise Keating’s

This wouldn’t be Dating and Dickpics without my usual screenshots and naming and shaming of misogynistic males, so here are the spoils of my plunder, so to speak.

I don’t even know why anyone would think that this is an acceptable opening line to send anyone. Who has ever said, ‘he asked if I wanted a big black sugar daddy and I knew it was love’?!

As you all know, feminism is a fundamental part of my life. I believe in feminism so much that I’ve even got the word permanently inked into my skin. I shout it from the rooftops and specify that before messaging me, guys should only bother if they identify as a feminist. So why does this asshole think he has a right to bait anyone out. He’s clearly so ignorant that he couldn’t even be bothered to look up the definition of ‘feminist’, which is someone who believes in the equality of all genders. This stuff is actually more infuriating than people who use cheesy lines or blatantly misogynistic slurs. This guy actually wanted to ‘moan’ about feminism to me. Safe to say I blocked his pathetic ass.

If you needed any more evidence that sexism is alive and kicking online, there you have it. I’m not being funny, but you have to actually meet up with whoever’s pussy you’re going to ‘murder’ and guess what? Being a misogynistic fuckwit means that’s never going to happen! If any murder needs to be done, it’s to you. A nice decapitation of the neck would do.

The above to screenshots make me sick. This guy was seriously so fucked up and triggering. Alongside putting down that I am a feminist, I also ask guys who want kids not to bother contacting me. I always make it explicitly clear because now I’m in my 20s, I feel that anything I get into should be going somewhere and if a guy wants them, we’re not compatible at all. This guy took it to another level. He messaged me saying ‘we would make cute children if we were together’ but I didn’t take the bait. And he couldn’t take that for a hint and kept messaging me one word here or there. I finally snapped and the above is what he sent me. This is unbelievably triggering for me because he was not respecting my boundaries and was actually thinking that it was fine to think about a hypothetical situation would would be a complete violation of my body. After explaining to him how sick and twisted he was, his response was ‘lol relax’. How can I relax when you’ve basically kept insisting that getting me knocked up would be a perfect situation for you? How can anyone who is so child-phobic ‘relax’ after that? I have reported him to the website and I hope they permanently ban him.

‘Sorry to be that guy’…well actually, you’re not. Because if you were, you wouldn’t have said it in the first place. What you’ve done is just the equivalent of online catcalling so #byefelipe.

Being a woman on the internet and trying to date and find love is fucking exhausting.

When will the misogyny stop?!

In other news:

• I got my hair re-coloured and restyled. It’s very Meredith from Grey’s Anatomy before season 12.
• I’m applying for jobs like they’re going out of fashion.
• I’m losing all hope in the male population at this rate. Their only potential beacon of light is this guy I’ve been on two dates with.
• I don’t think ending up alone would be such a bad thing, given the sorry state of guys on dating websites.

So done