Update…again

I’ve had a horrible time of it lately. Things haven’t been going well and I feel pretty hopeless. It feels like nothing is going my way at all. It all just seems like everything I do is futile. I’m questioning a lot of my life and the things I’ve done — namely, my career (or lack of). You’d think after so many years just knuckling down and trying to do your best, you’d get some kind of result from that, right? Wrong. I don’t know. I’m just thinking out loud at the moment. I just expected a lot more from life given where I currently am and my current situation. I thought I’d have it all figured out.

I know that no one can predict the future and I never thought of having absolutely everything I dreamed of, the exact way I had pictured it. But I really thought that by this point in my life, I’d have some things figured out and sorted. I’m nowhere near where I want to be right now and I’m not going to give up, but sometimes you just sigh and think ‘how much more of this is there going to be?’ I just have all this anxiety and worry stored up in me and it’s extremely tiring.

I don’t even know what I’m typing, to be honest. It’s just been really tough day and a lot of things have gotten to me today. People online┬áhave been extremely insensitive today and I just don’t understand why you wouldn’t afford someone kindness over the internet when you would in real life. It’s made me question a lot of things, including my writing and my blog. It’s made me question whether or not it’s worth continuing on when you seem to get trolled just for existing in an online space. I have truly felt the weight of cybersexism today.

Part of me is wondering what’s the point of dreaming? We’re told as kids that we can be whatever we want to be when we grow up, so we all fantasise about weird and wonderful jobs and we’re told that if we work hard, we’ll get there. Then you become an adult and you realise that what you were told as a child is a modern day fairytale. In fact, you don’t get your happy ending and your dream job. You do have to work hard, but there’s no guarantee it will pay off. And it’s never easy like they told you it would be.

Update

Just a quick update as I haven’t written in a while. My depression has been pretty bad so I haven’t felt like writing but I’m going to see my doctor next week so we can see what needs to be changed. I probably need a higher dose of my antidepressants or a change of antidepressants. Either way, it’s going to be under control and I need to just focus on that.

arizona

I’m also seeing my squad next week and I can’t wait. Friends really do make everything better and I’m lucky enough to have some of the best friends in the world! Undoubtedly, they will cheer me up immensely.

I’m sure my mood will improve (I’m trying to be optimistic about things) so I will get writing soon.

mates

Other bits and pieces:

  • My mum is honestly Superwoman. She’s so supportive and lovely. I absolutely adore her.
  • The guy I had a few dates with ended up being really immature and a complete *insert expletive here*. I’ll go into detail in the next episode of D&D.
  • I’ve noticed that there are some people in my life who I can’t get rid of and they’re extremely toxic and will start an argument for absolutely no reason over something completely trivial.
  • I’m excited about St Patrick’s Day even though I’m not Irish.