Dating and Dickpics: Episode 14

Yeah, I thought Episode 13 would be the last one for a while too.

 

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Disappointed

As you’re reading this, you probably guessed that my last relationship didn’t work out. There were no hard feelings at the end of it but it was disappointing, to say the least. I did learn some important lessons from it though.

  • I didn’t realise until that relationship that finances are very important to me. My significant other needs to earn as much as me or more and they can’t hold back when it comes to spending but at the same time, they shouldn’t waste money. I feel like we fought about money a lot because I’m a generous person and he was rather frugal.
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I love money

  • I really shouldn’t settle for less than I deserve. I can make some compromises but I shouldn’t make so many that I find myself defending my significant other to my friends and family because they think I can do better. It got to the point where I was just tired of defending him after a while.
  • I need someone who is really bloody romantic. I want to feel like a queen every damn day I’m with someone. Of course, life gets in the way and they may have their off days, but they better value me.
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You better be doing cute stuff like this or you can get lost

  • I’m stronger than I think and I keep true to my words. I said I’d leave if things didn’t improve and that’s exactly what I did. I cried for a day, picked myself up and moved on.
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I am a queen

I can’t be too harsh on him. He wasn’t ready for a relationship; entering something like that takes a lot of maturity and dedication and I don’t think the timing was right for him. He’s got a lot going on. Also…we were just too different. At first it’s what I really liked, but those differences soon became sources of anger and frustration for me.

So I’m back on the dating scene again! I downloaded all sorts of dating apps all over again but I’ve not had a lot of luck. I guess a lot of men on there can’t handle a woman who knows what she wants and want more than one night. However, it’s not all doom and gloom! I did match with one guy whom I’m getting along quite well with. We both work in media so obviously, we spent the first few messages fangirling over our day jobs. I’m not sure if there’s a spark there as we’ve only conversed via text, but I’ve definitely made a new friend if nothing else.

With help from my best friend (love you!), I did something I never usually do: gave out my number in a club. In all fairness, the guy is really cute and we’ve been messaging, thus proving that sometimes, it really is worthwhile to take a risk.

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Always on my phone

I think the biggest news is that I really like one person in particular. I’ve known him for a few months and he’s bloody lovely. Honestly, he’s the sweetest guy I’ve ever met. We get on really well. Does he like me? No idea. I’ve spoken to a few people about it and they all think that, from what I’ve said, he does. I’ve even kept receipts and pulled them up on my phone to show my best friends and they seem to be convinced he does. I don’t know, I guess we’ll have to watch this space!

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Me whenever my crush texts me

Other than that, nothing is new. I’m making the most of the summer and going out regularly. I’m loving life at the moment — my new job is fantastic and I have the most incredible team (albeit there are only three of us). I’m doing what I love as my job and I couldn’t be happier.

You’re a Mean One, Ms Grinch

It’s that time of year again: Christmas. The older I get, the less I enjoy Christmas. I’ve styled myself as quite the humbug. Sure, I’ll join in the festivities, but Christmas has lost all its sentimental value for me. Here’s my definitive guide to everything that’s wrong with the festive season.

Christmas starts in September, if you’re lucky

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As soon as summer is over, people immediately jump onto the Christmas bandwagon. Sometimes, summer isn’t even over before they do it — have you ever watched a shopping channel on TV and seen shit like ‘Christmas in July’? What idiot thought of that?! Halloween hasn’t even passed and the shops are decked out in premature Christmas decorations. People start counting down the days like it’s the bloody be-all and end-all. Turkeys are slaughtered earlier and earlier each year. It’s so enraging that I almost feel like protesting against premature Christmas celebrations. IT’S JUST WRONG.

There’s always a silly argument

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Inevitably, you’re stuck with your family for Christmas. Familiarity breeds contempt and before you know it, someone has said something extremely offensive and Christmas Day is ruined. Either that or you argue about exactly how long the turkey should be cooked, even though it comes with clear instructions, and not only have you had a falling out, but the turkey is drier than Gandhi’s flip flop.

You’re perpetually hungover

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December shouldn’t be named as such. It should be ‘Hangomber’ because pretty much as soon as the clock strikes midnight on 30th November, you’re drunk until New Year’s Day. Fortunately, I am immune to hangovers so I don’t know how awful they truly are, but I hear they turn you into an extra cast member of The Walking Dead. You still have to show your face at work, no matter how many times you’ve vomited on the journey there. How is that any fun?

Festive sweets and puddings are shit

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Here me out on this. I’m not slagging off the good stuff like chocolate. I’m talking about Christmas pudding, Christmas cake and mince pies aka The Unholy Trinity. They basically contain the same ingredients and those ingredients are an abomination to tastebuds nationwide. Who in their right mind would eat dried fruit out of choice? And who decided that all three Christmas sweets needed the exact same ingredients, just cooked in a different way? Fruit should be eaten fresh, juiced or made into alcohol. It should not ever be overcooked and shoved into three separate things that all appear during the same part of the year from which you cannot ever escape. Think about it: you have already encountered all three forms of this dreadful combination of fruit and spice. And you shall many more times before the year is out.

You always get at least one rubbish gift

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Despite putting thought and consideration into all of your gifts, some family member gets you something absolutely awful and you have to grin and bear it, pretending it’s what you’ve always wanted, never mind the fact that you want to hurl it as far as you possibly can and then set fire to it. And because they’re family, you can’t exactly disown them. I mean, you could. Don’t think I haven’t had that thought before.

Christmas office parties are a booby trap

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Yes, you go and enjoy yourself. But either you get terribly pissed or someone else does and there’s a myriad of embarrassing stories on Monday morning which make you feel mortified. You want to run into the toilets and lock yourself in there until 5pm, frantically untagging yourself from photos where you look shit-faced on Facebook. You know you weren’t the only one who was an absolute wreck but you feel like you may just die of embarrassment.

Brussel sprouts

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Literally no one likes these but for some reason, you absolutely have to have them on the dining table as part of your Christmas luncheon. Apparently, Christmas is incomplete without green vegetables that smell like farts which all inevitably end up being thrown away in the bin.

No one ever kisses you under mistletoe

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Be honest, do you actually know someone this has happened to?

This is by no means an exhaustive list. I could go on and on about how rubbish Christmas is. New Years Eve is the real festivity to get your claws stuck into. It’s full of optimism, joy and alcohol. Christmas, no matter how ‘perfect’ you may think it is, no matter how much effort and hard work you’ve put into it, is always a disappointment.

Dating and Dickpics: Episode 12

As you can tell, my quest for love is still ongoing as we are now into our 12th episode of the tales of my tragic love life.

The past month has seen many different changes and dates. I have a new job which I’m looking forward to starting so I’ve been out and about a fair bit before I settle into the routine of the 9-5 life. I’m also writing a book! That’s the most exciting news, really. It’s going to take me a while but I’m chipping away at it every day. I’m actually shocked at the level of self-discipline I have. I mean, I’ve even held off watching Grey’s Anatomy because I dedicate my afternoons to writing, leaving evenings for watching TV.

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It seems like I do have a story and it’s getting published

Unfortunately, I haven’t had the same luck in my love life. I gave a guy I dated once a second chance…and he blew it. He contacted me recently after going AWOL for a few months. I told him that yes we had chemistry, but I was still unsure about him because he just disappeared and went radio silent for months. He told me he still liked me and wanted to take me out on a date so I agreed. Everything was fine, even up until the night before. We were talking and he was saying just how much he was looking forward to seeing me the next day.

I woke up the next morning feeling positive. He hadn’t called or texted to say he couldn’t make it so the date was still happening. I picked out my outfit, got ready and headed off to the tube station to hop on the next train to King’s Cross. When I was around 10 minutes away from that tube stop, I texted him saying I was on time and I’d meet him at Covent Garden at 3.30pm like we had agreed.

Then shit hit the fan. He texted me, telling me not to ‘leave home’ when I clearly already had. He said he was still at work. I asked what time he was going to finish — if it was a couple of hours, I could easily kill time in a bar or something. No, he was going to finish at 5pm. I told him I could do some shopping and wait until he was ready, then we could just grab dinner and some drinks. He said no, that we should reschedule and he would be too tired and too moody to go on a date after work.

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REALLY?

So let’s get this straight. He knows it takes me an hour to get to King’s Cross. He knew I would leave my house at 2.30pm. He didn’t inform me then that in fact, he couldn’t leave work at 1pm like his boss said he could. He would’ve known by 2.30pm that he was working late and couldn’t make the date. So why didn’t he inform me? I was livid. I’d wasted all that time and make up and he had actually stood me up. I’ve never been stood up in my life. I was so fuming that I was on the verge of tears (I do that annoying angry-cry thing). It was so rude, unacceptable and inconsiderate. I turned around and made my way back home. On my journey, I texted him and told him he shouldn’t dare to contact me again, that he’s a fuckboy and no, we won’t reschedule, because he’s rude and he can go to hell in a handcart. I actually wanted to let go and call him every name under the sun, but I’m too classy for that…somehow.

My mum and brother were super supportive. My brother, who is actually a really chilled out guy, said that he was appalled that I’d been stood up and that he was furious on my behalf. He also said that I should’ve joined him and his wife as they were only a few tube stops away and they would’ve gladly dished out tea and sympathy. However, I knew if I had taken them up on their generous offer, I probably would’ve burst into tears and I really just wanted to go home and get cuddles from my mum instead.

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My mum’s hugs are epic

I also went on a couple of dates with another guy, but that didn’t lead anywhere. Well, that was my decision really. I think that having been on so many first dates, I’ve fine-tuned my list of what I want from a guy and that means making tough decisions and not compromising on anything at all. I have high standards and people often remark that because of said high standards, I’ll probably be alone, but I’d rather be alone than settle for someone who makes me compromise on things that I really can’t compromise on. I still hold out some hope that I may find love, but it may take a lot longer than I thought. I could quite easily date someone who isn’t right for me for the sake of it, but that wouldn’t be fair to the other person. It’s better to be single and continue the search.

There is another man on the cards though. It’s all hush-hush at the moment and I won’t be spilling the tea any time soon. I don’t want to jinx it because this may actually have potential, but we’ll have to see what happens in due course.

In other news:

  • I’ve already started writing my book. It’s going pretty well, if I do say so myself.
  • I’m having a mini-staycation back in Exeter at the end of November (and if any of you are still there, hit me up so we can arrange something). I cannot wait to go back and rediscover my love for that place.
  • Unfortunately, there was a huge fire in Exeter which means I won’t be visiting one of my favourite places there because it’s been burnt down to a cinder. At least I’ll always have the memories.
  • Reminiscing about Exeter has made me realise just how hard it is to get decent cider in London. I’ll be drinking a lot of cider that weekend.
  • I’m working on Halloween so I can’t celebrate it, but I came to the conclusion that if I was celebrating, I’d have dressed up as The Joker.
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This is my aesthetic #goals

Dating and Dickpics: Episode 3

Welcome to another installment of Dating and Dickpics. Apologies for not updating the column sooner but I’ve not been in the best health lately. But I am back with more hilarious stories about the woes of online dating.

The past few weeks have mostly provided me with unwarranted sexual harassment. I got a message from a guy who, after saying ‘hi’ to me, asked for sex. Sorry but why do men think that this is an acceptable thing to say just because it’s online? It is, quite frankly, disgusting. You wouldn’t ask a random person on the street for sex, so why do it online?

I spoke to an Italian guy online. It was going alright and he seemed nice enough. Besides, if you speak a foreign language that I speak, you are more likely to get a response because I find it fun to practice my language skills. Then it turned sour, like some mozzarella that had gone off. I don’t care who you are. I don’t care what language you speak. It is NOT okay to sexually harass a woman, even in a different language. I am fluent in Italian and I know a hell of a lot of Italian slang, so I knew that he was being sexually explicit in the following message. Ladies, if a guy ever says ‘la tua figa‘, he’s talking about your pussy. He kept saying how much he wanted to do stuff to me. How fucking disgusting! The worst part? When I didn’t reply, he just kept sending sexually explicit messages to my account. I ended up saying ‘sei un pezzo di merda, vaffanculo!’ (great to use if you ever are being sexually harassed by an Italian guy — merda is worse than the F word in Italy) and blocked him.

Bellissima...unlike the chat from the Italian dude

Bellissima…unlike the chat from the Italian dude

As you know now, I do use Tinder. It’s quite fun actually. Anyway, I started talking to this guy who has a big corporate job in central London. All was going well except for a couple of things. He has this think about last minute plans which really pisses me off. About a week ago, he said he was heading to Kingston that very minute; it was around 9pm. I’d already turned down for the night — pyjamas on, wine bottle open and looking forward to a night in with my mum. He then texted me and said ‘I’m going to get drunk in Kingston, come join me’.

Snapshot of my Friday nights at home

Snapshot of my Friday nights at home

Hang on a minute.

  • You’re already on your way to Kingston.
  • You expect me to hop on a train to Kingston when I’m in my pyjamas and not remotely ready to just hop out of my house.
  • We’ve not been talking for long, how can I trust you?
  • You know I don’t live near Kingston — it’s about a 40 minute drive from my house, if not more, so it’s even longer on the train.
  • What happened to common courtesy i.e. forward planning?

He then repeated this the following week, telling me at 10pm on Thursday that we should meet after work on Friday in central London and we could see where the evening takes us. I’m all for spontaneity on dates: I like meeting up at a specific time on a specific day at a specific place. I like advance notice before embarking on a date. I think it’s only polite and courteous to plan something in advance; otherwise it makes the other person feel like they’re a last minute thought and a last minute resort because you have no one else to hang out with. I feel this guy had a complete lack of manners because of the lack of notice. Funnily enough, when I didn’t agree based on the fact that there’s no forward planning, he asked if  was okay/asked if I was having a bad day because he’s ‘never gotten that reaction before’. No, I’m not having a bad day. I just don’t like bad manners. I  think the worst part is that on said Friday after work, it was my mum’s birthday, which I explained to him, yet he expected me to ditch her on her birthday? Also, what’s wrong with having basic standards i.e. someone who likes to give people advance notice for dates?

Furthermore, who the fuck do you think you are? The only people I will drop everything for are my best friends.

I don’t know why guys think dating sites = places to sexually harass women. Some guy my age messaged me and it didn’t seem like a bad thing to talk to him — he said I looked cute and had a cool profile, then proceeded to ask me what my favourite movie was. So in response, I thanked him and told him that my favourite movie was the one, the only: THE GODFATHER.

The Godfather is my favourite movie, of course!

The Godfather is my favourite movie, of course!

Then he went silent for a while (as most of the people on dating websites do). When he replied, he told me that he’d found a girlfriend on the dating website and was wondering if I’d like to partake in a threesome. WHAT THE ACTUAL FUCK. Why would that ever be a reasonable thing to ask basically a stranger online? Also, in my basic profile information, it states what I am looking for (dating, friendship, long-term relationship) and that I am straight. Why do guys think girls will make an exception when it comes to sexual preference for them? Why do guys think that all girls must somehow be game for a threesome with another girl? Also, what a fucking cheek. I through everything and the kitchen sink at him and asked how he could ever justify asking anyone that question. His response? ‘We’re both horny’. The fact that he even tried to justify asking someone to join in on sex — someone who is a complete stranger, who thought you were a nice person and not a fucking pervert — is beyond despicable. If you want someone to toss into your sex life, get a prostitute. It’s not hard. Asking someone who is not a sex worker for sexual favours online is never acceptable and yes, it IS harassment.

There just seems to be a plethora of weird (not in a good way) men and men who have no sense of what is appropriate or not online. I had one guy who was 43 message me (my profile says ‘looking for men aged 21 – 31) and he asked if I would like to meet up for him to give me up to £1000 cash with no strings attached. I told him that evidently, from my profile, this is not what I was looking for and I do not entertain sugar daddies at all. He then got offended and told me ‘not to judge so quickly’ and then blocked me. Apparently, calling a spade a spade doesn’t go down too well.

You can't buy me, bitch

You can’t buy me, bitch

 Another guy was much like Mr ‘What’s Your Favourite Movie’. The conversation started off okay and the guy was good looking so I replied. He asked what I was looking for so I said ‘friendship/dating and then if anything develops, a relationship’. As you all know by now, I am very open and honest. He then asked, despite knowing the answer based on what I said I was looking for, if I liked ‘to enjoy sex and have fun’ i.e. would I sleep with him? Call me old fashioned but isn’t it best to say something along the lines of ‘okay I’m looking for sex so we’re clearly not looking for the same thing, so bye’ and not to ask intrusive, invasive questions? If you know the person is looking for something serious and you just want sex, it’s better not to push the matter further. Where are the goddamn manners in our generation? Why do men just jump straight to sex questions, especially on a dating site where they can view a profile which in the first sentence says what you’re looking for? There seems to be a clear lack of respect for women on dating sites and inherent misogynistic attitudes from the majority of men on there. There’s definite everyday sexism present online.

Fuckboys piss me off

Fuckboys piss me off

Other shit that went down in the past couple of weeks:

  • One guy said he believes men and women should be equal but he refuses to call himself a feminist…did he realise he just proved why we need feminism in the first place? He said he felt he was frowned upon one time he went to a feminist debate. Perhaps because in that setting, a white cishet man’s voice wasn’t the dominant one? Doesn’t feel fun, does it? Try being a WoC; it’s like that every day for me. White cishet men dominate most spaces I try to participate in and I just get frowned upon. When I put him in his place about all this, he ran off and cried some male tears because he didn’t reply to me. If you’re going to try and have an intellectual discussion with me, at least admit your shortcomings.
  • That Greek guy we met in Episode 1? He matched with me on Tinder. I didn’t know whether or not to swipe right but I did because it was just too coincidental. Pobrecito thinks I’ll go on a date with him. He’s still a psycho ass bitch, so that’s not happening.
  • Some guy looked at my profile and tried typing out dodgy ass Spanish to me to get a reply from me. It did not work.
You won't charm me in Spanish unless you take tips from Romeo Santos

You won’t charm me in Spanish unless you take tips from Romeo Santos

Ink and Metal

Note: I originally wrote this piece for Exetera Magazine, an exclusive student magazine at University of Exeter. I thought I would repost here as it has a lot of relevance and I still feel the same, although I am a lot more comfortable having moved back home to my lovely, diverse hometown of London.

A year ago, I could stroll peacefully around campus without anybody noticing I existed. Nothing particularly stood out about me apart from my cropped blonde hair – a far cry from the long locks of most girls wandering around Exeter. Even then, I weaved in and out of crowds unnoticed.

Then everything changed.

I still remember that showering spring day last academic year when I booked my very first tattoo. I was excited, my hand shaking whilst I signed the contract. I paid the deposit and, a week later, turned up rather drunk to be tattooed. I expected the worst but the pain was like a hot scratch. It was a soothing pain, a pain that was satisfying because it was a means to an end. A very expressive and beautiful end.

That first tattoo opened a can of worms. I got another, bigger and more painful one the month after, and then delved into the world of piercings, having my tragus done. Now, after the first term of my final year, I have three tattoos and fourteen piercings.

My tattoos are mostly visible when I go clubbing – short skirts and backless tops show them off. My piercings aren’t so easy to cover up – two of them are on my face. In Exeter University’s homogeneous population, I stick out like a sore thumb. It seems that the populous doesn’t approve of expressing individuality, with a huge proportion of students decked out in Jack Wills and modeled on barbie dolls. As a consequence of my personal style, people actively stare at me. Even lecturers, who know me for my eccentric, outspoken nature, find it hard to concentrate on anything except my nose and lip piercings.

The reactions vary. Some people are too petrified to approach me, assuming I’m a Satanist (particularly if I’m head to toe in black). Others take a genuine interest, quizzing me about which piercing hurt most and what my tattoos mean. Some, it seems, wish to model themselves on the stereotypical American high school teenagers you spot in cheesy teen movies – they look with disgust and sneer behind my back. I can’t tell if that’s pure pettiness or it’s because they’ve been brought up to think that having copious tattoos and piercings isn’t the done thing.

I don’t regret my tattoos and piercings, despite the strange glances and glares I get whilst traipsing around campus. Recently, I was walking from town toward campus only for a fellow student to turn around, stare at me and make a vomiting noise, then run away. I was hurt for all of two seconds, before realising that I should be proud of my tattoos and piercings. I do look different, and it’s something to celebrate. After years of self-loathing, I finally feel comfortable in my own skin, and free to decorate it however I want.