Another One

At some point, my posts will become more regular, I promise. But life often gets in the way of all of that.

Things have been relatively uneventful. Everything in my life is steady and settled, for once. Stability may seem boring for some but I relish it. Some exciting things have occurred though and some other less exciting but kind of important things have also happened. Here’s a list (I LOVE LISTS).

  • I got diagnosed with PCOS (polycystic ovary syndrome) which explains a lot. Well, not a lot, just my adult acne, which has been driving me insane considering I never had acne when I was a teenager. Having PCOS is like having another awkward bout of puberty. Anyway, I wrote an article about it for babe, so I’m going to shamelessly plug it here. (Can we also appreciate my fire selfie that’s been used at the top of the article?)

My selfie is lit

  • I had the most amazing time out with my best friend, her boyfriend and my boyfriend last weekend. We drank too much, ate too much and laughed too much and it was fabulous. They’re my people and I love them so much!

We were #squadgoals at the weekend

  • I have a new job! It’s in social media. Yes, that’s right. All of the time I spent after work on social media and building a brand for myself has finally paid off! I now feel as though I can legitimately be called the Meme Queen. My boyfriend was previously just calling me it because I not-so-subtly hinted that I love memes (i.e. I kept spamming his FB messages with memes) but now I have earned the privilege of the title…kind of.

This genius gif doesn’t need a caption

  • I’m making excellent progress with my book. I’m not writing as much as I would like to because it’s emotionally exhausting. I can’t believe that I’m the same person that wrote all of these diaries and went through all of that. It doesn’t seem remotely real. It feels like a nightmare that someone else lived, not me. It’s been a cathartic exercise though; I feel like that part of my past is well and truly over and I’ll never relapse.

Actual footage of me writing my book

And that’s just about it!

Dating and Dickpics: Episode 5

It’s that time again — time to laugh at the ridiculousness that is my love life. A couple of things first, though.

  • Bridget Jones’ Diary was on television the other night and of course, I watched it. That film resonates with me so much, except I don’t think I’ll quite get the happy ending that she does. Also, I wear better knickers than her.
  • I’ve started seeing someone. More about that in a bit.
  • It didn’t work out with the guy I mentioned in D&D #4.
  • Dating websites just keep delivering absolute treasure.
  • I would definitely bling Drake’s hotline.
I wouldn't stop blinging his hotline

I wouldn’t stop blinging his hotline

Right, so the whole ‘I’m kind of seeing someone thing’. I don’t really know what label we should have but it’s early days and we’re not seeing anyone else. To be honest, knowing what I’m like, I probably couldn’t even find any other person to date me. He’s a nice guy, quite sweet and very polite. On our first date, I really thought it had potential because he was so gentlemanly.  It still does have potential and I guess he does make me happy. But do you ever find someone you like but wish certain things were different? I’m scared. For those of you who watch Grey’s Anatomy, I’m basically like Dr Cristina Yang. I’m not very forthcoming and whilst I like romance, some of it makes me cringe and at times it can just be too much if it’s constant. Cristina freaks out a lot when guys make sweeping gestures because she’s just not used to it and I’m much the same. I think I just need to get used to it. It’s early days so I’m sure with time, I’ll loosen up a little.

She would be my person

She would be my person

Last time, I introduced you all to a cute guy who I was friends with and was going out on a couple of dates with. We had a bit of a thing, I guess, and things were going well. However, he was a bit of a douche in the end, but I had a good time nonetheless. He started playing up so I broke the whole thing off. Besides, I think we both got what we wanted in the end. The funny thing is, as soon as I broke it off with him, he started becoming extremely interested in me, to the point where he was trying to get involved in conversations I was in, constantly looking for any excuse to get my attention etc. It was entertaining, then it became frustrating because guys always want what they can’t have and I wasn’t prepared to go down that route again where there was no promise of anything more serious. I’ve happily moved on but according to various sources, the same can’t be said for him.

As you all know, I go on dating sites. I name and shame. Anyway, before meeting the guy I’m currently dating, I was in conversation with another guy. I didn’t find him physically attractive but I thought we had some things in common so exchanging numbers couldn’t do much harm. However, he went full-blown clingy. He would say the creepiest shit and then try and retract it. He actually thought that he was fourth on my list of ‘ideal men’ (after Tom Hiddleston, Maluma and Drake) although I pretty much told him he had no chance. He was already talking about what we should do on our third and fourth dates despite the fact that he we hadn’t even been on our first date. It was all too much and besides, his personality wasn’t making up for his lack of looks. I politely declined going on a date with him despite him begging to make his ‘wish’ come true and go on a date, even as friends. Correct me if I’m wrong, but friends don’t go on dates, right? All that aside, he wasn’t the kind of friend I needed. Getting ahead of yourself is never attractive to anyone of any sex. You don’t start planning a whole life together when you haven’t even been on one date!

Unimpressed by clingy men

Unimpressed by clingy men

Now, for some gems from dating websites. I’ve screenshotted some absolutely wonderful conversations for you to marvel at.

What a twat

What a twat

Obviously, I’ve written that I’m a feminist on my profile. It’s an important aspect of my life and I can’t even bother considering someone who isn’t a feminist or holds feminist ideals. This guy clearly has no idea what ‘feminism’ actually means. Feminism does focus on men’s issues but guess what? A movement doesn’t have to justify itself to men in order to have meaning to people. The reason why ‘feminism’ is called ‘feminism’ is because women have been oppressed because men have been given all the privilege. However, feminism nowadays does address issues that men face. After all, it’s meninists who make fun out of male rape victims, whereas feminists help male rape victims. And what’s wrong with a movement that promotes women when all of society has promoted men throughout history. I couldn’t even be bothered to argue with this ignorant bastard because it would’ve drained my energy. If you’re that ignorant, I’m not going to help you.

Are you kidding?

Are you kidding?

‘Exotic’ is not a compliment. It is a fetishisation of someone’s race. It’s a microaggression. It means that you’re only interested because I look foreign and ‘different’ to the ‘norm’, therefore you feel like you need to conquer me in order to try something ‘different’. I am not a sexual fantasy, I am a person.

Why do men think this is acceptable online?

Why do men think this is acceptable online?

‘kinkdaddy81’, as he fashions himself, is a prime example of sexual harassment online. Whilst he’s not the worst I’ve encountered, I find it positively bewildering that men think they can go on a dating website and ask people for sex. You wouldn’t do that face to face, so why are you doing it behind a screen? It doesn’t make it acceptable. It is harassment. Also, he wants to ‘introduce’ me to the scene? Why are you assuming that as a young woman, I don’t already know about that scene? There is a wider problem of men thinking it’s perfectly fine to sexually proposition people online. It is harassment, especially when you’re bombarded by scores of men saying similar things. It can make you feel unsafe even in your own home.

So charming, much wow

So charming, much wow

This guy had a real issue. He had an attitude problem and then some. I didn’t reply a few times, mainly because I don’t spend all my time on the website and I don’t check it every day. He kept bombarding me with messages and finally thought the best way to get a woman to reply was by swearing in the first line of his next message. Surely if someone hasn’t replied, it’s best to think ‘wow, maybe they have a life which means they’re not replying to fuckboys like me the whole time!’ or ‘maybe they’re busy’? Or even ‘maybe they’re not interested but I won’t push them’. How can he think things are standing anywhere after the stalkerish amount of messages he sent and the swearing? It’s funny how some men think that the world revolves around them and that as women, we are absolutely 100% required to every fuckboy that exists. Wow. Masculinity’s so fragile.

I Knew You Were Trouble

About a month and a half ago, I went out on a first date with a lovely guy called David. We instantly hit it off and he was a complete gentleman. He was 32 but I didn’t mind the age difference; after all the guys that I’ve dated that have been a similar age to me, I felt like an older guy was the way to go because of the maturity factor.

We had a whirlwind romance. He wooed and charmed me and before I knew it, we were in a relationship. I was so happy. He was always charming, sweet and polite. We couldn’t bare to spend even a week apart. I spent long weekends at his place and visited him on Wednesdays as a mid-week treat for both of us. He was so romantic and I was smitten. I thought I’d found The One, to be quite honest. Nothing about him bothered me.

But then things changed.

The reason I’m writing this is to serve as a cautionary tale to all of you. To warn you all about how quickly people can change when they think they have a sufficient hold over you.

He became controlling. He didn’t trust me. He knew that I had been cheated on in the past and it had broken my heart and he knew that I thought it was a disgusting thing to do. Despite this, he accused me of flirting with men. He didn’t like the fact that I have a lot of male friends. He hated it, in fact. He expected me to prioritise him over my friends, despite my belief that friends should come before anything else. After all, they’re the family you choose.

He read texts from my mum over my shoulder. He quizzed me about who I was following on Instagram and why I was liking a guy’s photo. He didn’t like the banter I had with one of my friends because he’s bisexual. He accused me of hiding things all the time.

I am an extremely open person. I didn’t care when he started following me on Twitter and I continued to tweet as I usually would (I’m hoping to write a memoir and my tweets are going to come in very handy). I kept posting things on Facebook that I usually would. Nothing about my behaviour changed. I didn’t hide anything. I have no secrets and I’m like an open book.

None of that mattered. He blamed everything but himself. He didn’t take a look in the mirror once and think that he may be partly to blame. He always started a fight, sulked and then blamed me for it all. It was somehow always my fault. Either that or it was because of his bad childhood and he still had unresolved anger issues. He was possessive, obsessive and jealous. He slowly began to make me cry more than he made me smile. He began stalking me online. No amount of ‘but I only love you, you’re the one’ or ‘I want to be with you’ pacified him.

That charm that I’d fallen for was just a façade. It was a mask he put on to win me over. As soon as he had me, all that disappeared. He swore at me several times and hung up on me when I had the audacity to defend myself and not just apologise like he expected me to.

On Friday, I decided to end it with him. I had done my first full day of work in months and had a great day. I was buzzing. I went home and that’s when he accused me of hiding something. Ironically, he told me he did trust me but he absolutely knew I was hiding something. I was fuming. A long, tiresome yet fun day ruined. I tried to talk to him rationally but apparently, the posh tone of my voice made it sound like I was talking to him as though he were a child. We eventually resolved it. Then, less than an hour later, another phone call. He’d told me he had no money for this weekend and that I would have to pay for everything. I didn’t mind — what we had planned was only going to cost £20. He told me to bring double what was necessary. God knows for what. He knows I am unemployed (I’m currently temping but you’re not guaranteed steady work). He knows my parents give me money. But at now 33 years of age, he was asking me for money. I always pay my way in relationships but this was the straw that broke the camel’s back. He wasn’t just asking me to pay for the weekend, he was asking me for money. Money that wasn’t even mine.

So that’s when I knew. I knew I was with the wrong person. He made me feel shit about myself and he guilted me and blamed me for everything. So I dumped him. I told him that I deserve better and it’s over. Like the mature adult that he is, he hung up on me and blocked me on every form of social media.

The cautionary tale? Be wary of charm. Keep your head and your heart separate and never let a person cloud your better judgement. I dread to think what would have happened if I had stayed with him any longer. His hold over me would have been too strong. I’m just shocked that I had the strength to leave him. I’d become so emotionally dependent. Although I sometimes feel worthless because of my depression, I knew I deserved better than the way he was treating me. He never apologised to me because he never thought he was to blame, even when he clearly was. I knew that if one of my best friends was in such a relationship, I’d be telling them that they needed to leave for their own good. I am sad that I left him because I thought he was special but I am overwhelmingly relieved. I’d rather be alone than unhappy.