You’re a Mean One, Ms Grinch

It’s that time of year again: Christmas. The older I get, the less I enjoy Christmas. I’ve styled myself as quite the humbug. Sure, I’ll join in the festivities, but Christmas has lost all its sentimental value for me. Here’s my definitive guide to everything that’s wrong with the festive season.

Christmas starts in September, if you’re lucky

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As soon as summer is over, people immediately jump onto the Christmas bandwagon. Sometimes, summer isn’t even over before they do it — have you ever watched a shopping channel on TV and seen shit like ‘Christmas in July’? What idiot thought of that?! Halloween hasn’t even passed and the shops are decked out in premature Christmas decorations. People start counting down the days like it’s the bloody be-all and end-all. Turkeys are slaughtered earlier and earlier each year. It’s so enraging that I almost feel like protesting against premature Christmas celebrations. IT’S JUST WRONG.

There’s always a silly argument

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Inevitably, you’re stuck with your family for Christmas. Familiarity breeds contempt and before you know it, someone has said something extremely offensive and Christmas Day is ruined. Either that or you argue about exactly how long the turkey should be cooked, even though it comes with clear instructions, and not only have you had a falling out, but the turkey is drier than Gandhi’s flip flop.

You’re perpetually hungover

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December shouldn’t be named as such. It should be ‘Hangomber’ because pretty much as soon as the clock strikes midnight on 30th November, you’re drunk until New Year’s Day. Fortunately, I am immune to hangovers so I don’t know how awful they truly are, but I hear they turn you into an extra cast member of The Walking Dead. You still have to show your face at work, no matter how many times you’ve vomited on the journey there. How is that any fun?

Festive sweets and puddings are shit

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Here me out on this. I’m not slagging off the good stuff like chocolate. I’m talking about Christmas pudding, Christmas cake and mince pies aka The Unholy Trinity. They basically contain the same ingredients and those ingredients are an abomination to tastebuds nationwide. Who in their right mind would eat dried fruit out of choice? And who decided that all three Christmas sweets needed the exact same ingredients, just cooked in a different way? Fruit should be eaten fresh, juiced or made into alcohol. It should not ever be overcooked and shoved into three separate things that all appear during the same part of the year from which you cannot ever escape. Think about it: you have already encountered all three forms of this dreadful combination of fruit and spice. And you shall many more times before the year is out.

You always get at least one rubbish gift

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Despite putting thought and consideration into all of your gifts, some family member gets you something absolutely awful and you have to grin and bear it, pretending it’s what you’ve always wanted, never mind the fact that you want to hurl it as far as you possibly can and then set fire to it. And because they’re family, you can’t exactly disown them. I mean, you could. Don’t think I haven’t had that thought before.

Christmas office parties are a booby trap

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Yes, you go and enjoy yourself. But either you get terribly pissed or someone else does and there’s a myriad of embarrassing stories on Monday morning which make you feel mortified. You want to run into the toilets and lock yourself in there until 5pm, frantically untagging yourself from photos where you look shit-faced on Facebook. You know you weren’t the only one who was an absolute wreck but you feel like you may just die of embarrassment.

Brussel sprouts

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Literally no one likes these but for some reason, you absolutely have to have them on the dining table as part of your Christmas luncheon. Apparently, Christmas is incomplete without green vegetables that smell like farts which all inevitably end up being thrown away in the bin.

No one ever kisses you under mistletoe

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Be honest, do you actually know someone this has happened to?

This is by no means an exhaustive list. I could go on and on about how rubbish Christmas is. New Years Eve is the real festivity to get your claws stuck into. It’s full of optimism, joy and alcohol. Christmas, no matter how ‘perfect’ you may think it is, no matter how much effort and hard work you’ve put into it, is always a disappointment.

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Dating and Dickpics: Episode 12

As you can tell, my quest for love is still ongoing as we are now into our 12th episode of the tales of my tragic love life.

The past month has seen many different changes and dates. I have a new job which I’m looking forward to starting so I’ve been out and about a fair bit before I settle into the routine of the 9-5 life. I’m also writing a book! That’s the most exciting news, really. It’s going to take me a while but I’m chipping away at it every day. I’m actually shocked at the level of self-discipline I have. I mean, I’ve even held off watching Grey’s Anatomy because I dedicate my afternoons to writing, leaving evenings for watching TV.

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It seems like I do have a story and it’s getting published

Unfortunately, I haven’t had the same luck in my love life. I gave a guy I dated once a second chance…and he blew it. He contacted me recently after going AWOL for a few months. I told him that yes we had chemistry, but I was still unsure about him because he just disappeared and went radio silent for months. He told me he still liked me and wanted to take me out on a date so I agreed. Everything was fine, even up until the night before. We were talking and he was saying just how much he was looking forward to seeing me the next day.

I woke up the next morning feeling positive. He hadn’t called or texted to say he couldn’t make it so the date was still happening. I picked out my outfit, got ready and headed off to the tube station to hop on the next train to King’s Cross. When I was around 10 minutes away from that tube stop, I texted him saying I was on time and I’d meet him at Covent Garden at 3.30pm like we had agreed.

Then shit hit the fan. He texted me, telling me not to ‘leave home’ when I clearly already had. He said he was still at work. I asked what time he was going to finish — if it was a couple of hours, I could easily kill time in a bar or something. No, he was going to finish at 5pm. I told him I could do some shopping and wait until he was ready, then we could just grab dinner and some drinks. He said no, that we should reschedule and he would be too tired and too moody to go on a date after work.

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REALLY?

So let’s get this straight. He knows it takes me an hour to get to King’s Cross. He knew I would leave my house at 2.30pm. He didn’t inform me then that in fact, he couldn’t leave work at 1pm like his boss said he could. He would’ve known by 2.30pm that he was working late and couldn’t make the date. So why didn’t he inform me? I was livid. I’d wasted all that time and make up and he had actually stood me up. I’ve never been stood up in my life. I was so fuming that I was on the verge of tears (I do that annoying angry-cry thing). It was so rude, unacceptable and inconsiderate. I turned around and made my way back home. On my journey, I texted him and told him he shouldn’t dare to contact me again, that he’s a fuckboy and no, we won’t reschedule, because he’s rude and he can go to hell in a handcart. I actually wanted to let go and call him every name under the sun, but I’m too classy for that…somehow.

My mum and brother were super supportive. My brother, who is actually a really chilled out guy, said that he was appalled that I’d been stood up and that he was furious on my behalf. He also said that I should’ve joined him and his wife as they were only a few tube stops away and they would’ve gladly dished out tea and sympathy. However, I knew if I had taken them up on their generous offer, I probably would’ve burst into tears and I really just wanted to go home and get cuddles from my mum instead.

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My mum’s hugs are epic

I also went on a couple of dates with another guy, but that didn’t lead anywhere. Well, that was my decision really. I think that having been on so many first dates, I’ve fine-tuned my list of what I want from a guy and that means making tough decisions and not compromising on anything at all. I have high standards and people often remark that because of said high standards, I’ll probably be alone, but I’d rather be alone than settle for someone who makes me compromise on things that I really can’t compromise on. I still hold out some hope that I may find love, but it may take a lot longer than I thought. I could quite easily date someone who isn’t right for me for the sake of it, but that wouldn’t be fair to the other person. It’s better to be single and continue the search.

There is another man on the cards though. It’s all hush-hush at the moment and I won’t be spilling the tea any time soon. I don’t want to jinx it because this may actually have potential, but we’ll have to see what happens in due course.

In other news:

  • I’ve already started writing my book. It’s going pretty well, if I do say so myself.
  • I’m having a mini-staycation back in Exeter at the end of November (and if any of you are still there, hit me up so we can arrange something). I cannot wait to go back and rediscover my love for that place.
  • Unfortunately, there was a huge fire in Exeter which means I won’t be visiting one of my favourite places there because it’s been burnt down to a cinder. At least I’ll always have the memories.
  • Reminiscing about Exeter has made me realise just how hard it is to get decent cider in London. I’ll be drinking a lot of cider that weekend.
  • I’m working on Halloween so I can’t celebrate it, but I came to the conclusion that if I was celebrating, I’d have dressed up as The Joker.
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This is my aesthetic #goals

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Sadly, another season of Grey’s Anatomy has finished. However, this gives us the chance to speculate for months on end, which is precisely what I’m going to do.

Recap

Initially, I was completely against Nathan. Owen didn’t like him and that was reason enough for me to hate him, mostly because Owen has proven himself to be a lovely guy (except for when he told Cristina that she ‘killed their baby’ and cheated on her). And when we discovered that he had been in a relationship with Owen’s sister, Megan, that was the final nail in the coffin. Owen isn’t without his portion of the blame for what happened to Megan, but it’s always easier to blame someone else. Anyway, Nathan was a no-no.

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But when Nathan and Meredith were talking in the car park and things were getting heated, I knew then that they should probably end up together. There’s undeniable chemistry between them. They get each other. They’ve both loved and lost. It makes sense. In Family Affair, the season finale, they share memories of their loved ones and it just seems like they could have a great relationship. I am however wary given Nathan’s track record of cheating.

Then there’s Maggie. I honestly want the best for her. She hasn’t had it easy, what with discovering that she’s the love child of Ellis Grey and Richard Webber. Then DeLuca couldn’t handle her P-O-W-E-R. She deserves happiness because she is the most optimistic character the show has ever seen. But she’s misguided. It’s quite obvious that Nathan harbours no romantic feelings for his boss. She’s seeing what she wants to see; it’s quite obvious to us as viewers that there’s no connection there (other than the box of bacon).

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We can’t talk about Meredith without talking about Alex. I absolutely adored their moment on the grass together, awaiting Amelia’s wedding. It was a Cristina/Meredith flashback. I honestly believe that Alex and Meredith are each other’s people. It was a heartwarming moment.

I honestly feel like Jo should’ve been honest with Alex. She managed to tell DeLuca but couldn’t tell the love of her life? Of course Alex will go crazy when he finds out, but that’s who he is. He wears his heart on his sleeve. Now, he thinks the worst of her. This could’ve all been prevented if she had just told him the truth about why she couldn’t get married the first time that he proposed. Alex has been hurt by every woman he has ever loved and now he just sees Jo as a deceitful cheater.

Amelia is one of my favourite characters. She’s so messed up, which makes her so much more real than the other characters. I’m just so happy that she went ahead and married Owen. I want them to be happy together. They want the same things, which is what was missing from Owen and Cristina’s relationship, so I hope they go the distance. I did shed a tear when Amelia broke down saying that Derek was supposed to walk her down the aisle. I just hope her supposed ‘curse’ doesn’t come true. She mentioned earlier in the season that all the men she has ever loved have died and I hope that doesn’t come true for Owen (or any future sons she may have with him).

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Arizona made my heart melt this week. Her olive branch to Callie was incredible and again, I cried. I didn’t expect Callie to leave. I thought she would wake up, smell the coffee and stay in Seattle and eventually rekindle her love with Arizona. I do like the way that Callie left and I like how there is still scope for Sara Ramirez to return after she has taken a break. The best case scenario for me would be that Callie returns because she realises she doesn’t love Penny and is in fact in love with Arizona and always will be.

I am overjoyed for April and Jackson. They have a baby! I really hope this is the beginning of them getting back together. Japril gives me life. April was incredibly strong to go through a C-section sans anesthesia and Ben was actually a life-saver. I actually want the baby to be called Warren April Jackson. ‘Warren’ because Ben saved both the baby and April’s lives, ‘April’ because she went through hell and back for her baby.

Predictions

Nothing is ever easy in Grey’s Anatomy, so I suspect that Amelia and Owen will come across some problems in their relationship. I’m not sure what. I don’t want it to be that Amelia becomes addicted to something again because that’s too predictable. I personally would love to see Megan Hunt make a stunning return, which would seriously affect Owen and Nathan too. Amelia would have to be the one to support her husband, showing strength like no other. Nathan would have to confront his demons. I don’t think he’d go back to Megan. If he did, it would be a temporary thing like Derek and Addison where they both realise that they aren’t the same people and aren’t compatible anymore.

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Meredith will probably tell Amelia that she hooked up with Nathan. I’m not sure if Amelia will in turn tell Owen, but if she does, I expect a stern warning from the man who, although there are signs of reconciliation, still blames Nathan for Megan’s supposed death. Amelia will be able to take the moral high-ground against Meredith for once. Maggie is going to end up being the person who is hurt at the end of all of this. Unfortunately, there are no real romantic prospects in her life and she’s making something out of nothing when it comes to Nathan.

April and Jackson will grow closer together as they co-parent their newborn baby. They may reconciliate and decide to bury the hatchet and move on as a couple. They might even get remarried.

Ben and Miranda have patched over the issues they had so I would love to see a season in which Ben passes his boards with flying colours and makes Chief Bailey proud in the process. I would love for Miranda to have more screen time because Chief Bailey rocks!

Alex won’t believe Jo if and when she decides to tell him the truth because he’s just been hurt too many times. When he loves someone, he gives them everything and right now, he feels like she’s thrown it back in his face. It will take time, but they will work things out. I expect that Alex will say he will protect Jo, she’ll file for a divorce and her soon to be ex-husband will make an appearance.

Other thoughts:

  • If Megan were to return, Alyson Hannigan would do a stellar job of portraying her.
  • Michael Ealy would be brilliant as Jo’s ex-husband, but so would Kevin Alejandro. We don’t know his age or ethnicity, but either of those actors would do a stellar job.

Hannibal: The Last Supper

This may be hard to chew, but NBC have called time for the much-loved TV show that is Hannibal. This post contains several food-related puns, so brace yourself.

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I have been an avid fan of Hannibal since day one. The appeal is that it isn’t explicit in the fact that Hannibal is a cannibal – there are only ever subtle hints until around season 2/3. The psychology and backstory behind both Hannibal Lecter and Will Graham is fascinating. It’s as though you’re getting a glimpse into the fine line between a psychopath and someone who is simply misunderstood.

Like what you’re reading? Click here for the whole article over at CultNoise!