2017 Wrap

I’m honestly awful at updating this blog. One of my (many) New Year’s resolutions is to blog here at least twice a month, if not more. Things haven’t been great recently because I’ve been stressed but I’m working on that and I’m approaching 2018 with a positive frame of mind. So before 2018, here’s a summary of everything that happened in 2017.

Premature Christmas

Is it me or does Christmas start earlier each year? I genuinely think people start running Christmas campaigns during mid-September – they certainly did this year. At least wait until Halloween is over, you heathens!

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I really relate to The Grinch.

Finland

For the first time in my life, I went solo-travelling to Helsinki, Finland. I went in September because I can’t stand the cold and to be fair, the temperatures were quite mild. Definitely needed a jacket or small coat, but pleasant and actually pretty sunny most days. Helsinki is beautiful and I hope to return there one day…just not by myself. I don’t know why but even in super-safe countries and cities, people think it’s absolutely fine to catcall and harass you if you’re a lone female walking around town. I kind of don’t ever want to go solo-travelling ever again now. On the plus side, it was a relaxing yet productive break, I got to experience a different culture and even picked up some Finnish along the way!

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Moomins are a BIG deal in Finland. So is alcohol. And design.

My Birthday

I turned 24 this year. Yeah, I’m bewildered that I made it this far too. I thought I’d stop ageing at like…22. I’m going to be 25 next year and officially in my mid-twenties and the thought is slightly terrifying.

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Joey capturing all of my feels.

Resolutions

It would be rude of me to mention resolutions in my first paragraph and then not list them further down. Here they are:

  • Lose weight and tone up. I’ve already started that so there’s just a bit more to go before I feel good.
  • Travel somewhere I’ve never been before.
  • Blog on here more.

Up for taking any suggestions as well.

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NYE is going to be lit AF.

Love

I can’t talk about 2017 without mentioning love and it would be weird if I didn’t mention it considering a lot of my blog posts have been about my tumultuous love life. 2017 was great. I broke up with someone and whilst that was negative, it taught me what I can and can’t handle in a relationship. Somewhat unexpectedly, I got involved with someone else a few weeks after and I can safely say that I’ve met my soulmate. So 2017 was really a tale of two halves. The first half was rubbish. The second half introduced me to the love of my life and I’ve never been happier! Here’s to the first of many years together. I’ve seriously never loved someone so much. He really is my world. I get butterflies every time I see him!

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It’s love! (He also got me into watching The Office)

2018 Predictions

Obviously, no one can predict what may or may not happen, but I’m going into 2018 with a positive attitude (or at least, positive by my standards).

I’m absolutely going on a summer holiday and I have a shortlist, so it’s just a case of deciding where to go. I might also do a long weekend break somewhere as well. Before that, I hope to achieve my fitness goals so I don’t feel self-conscious if I’m parading around in a bikini on the beach. It’s a long time coming and I’ve done the hardest part, which is starting and maintaining a fairly consistent exercise routine. Now, it’s just the final stretch.

Apart from improving my fitness, I’d like to perhaps pick up another language or skill. I feel like I’ve wasted a lot of my free time this year and I’d like some of it to go towards doing something productive.

Whatever 2018 brings, I hope it’s a good one for you all. And watch out for another blog post soon – why wait to bring in the New Year to start one of my resolutions?

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Dating and Dickpics: Episode 15

This one isn’t following the usual pattern of Dating and Dickpics, namely because of the unexpected news of the season: I have a boyfriend.

That’s right, I have a boyfriend. It’s still a novelty to tell people ‘I’m in a relationship’ and I’m not going to lie, changing my relationship status on Facebook was incredibly satisfying.

Remember the sweet guy I mentioned last time? I ended up telling him how I felt, he said he felt the same but we should take it slow…so that’s exactly what we did. And here we are now, in a relationship and being as cute as hell. We’re cheesy, cute and charming and we love it. Honestly, he’s the best guy I’ve dated. I’ve never been with someone so wonderful. He’s so thoughtful and he makes me smile so much that my cheeks hurt.

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Snapshot of what me and bae are like together

This has been going on for a couple of months now, so I decided to do the decent thing and come clean to my dad. For those of you who are unaware, my dad is liberal but with a catch. The catch being that he can’t help but conform to the patriarchal stereotype of an overprotective dad. You see it all the time in popular culture – dads are there to scare off their daughter’s partners, be overprotective and warn their daughters about the ‘dangers of dating’. Sure, he’s ‘modern’ in the sense that I can do whatever I want, but when it comes to dating, having a boyfriend and doing other things, it’s something he’ll never quite accept. A self-proclaimed feminist, he’s all for the women in his family doing what the men do and he’s always told me that I can achieve anything, irrespective of my gender, so he’s never held me back because I’m a woman. But mention me dating guys and it’s like a red rag to a bull! He doesn’t get angry, but it went down a little like this.

‘Hey dad, you know how you said you wanted me and my brother to see you not just as a dad, but as a friend? I’m taking you up on that offer. I have some news.’

After this little introduction, my dad is like this:

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I’m listening, tell me more…

‘I have a boyfriend. We’ve been seeing each other for a couple of months. I’m not going to tell you everything about him because I don’t want to jinx it, but you’ll meet him after six months or so.’

My dad’s facial expression then took a turn for the worse…

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I need a drink to deal with this.

So he took a sip of his drink. I was all ‘ah yes, my boyfriend is lovely, we’re taking it slow, we’re not doing any tings, he makes me really happy etc.’ thinking that it would ease his mind.

He reacted like this:

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Millie, please stop talking. I don’t want to hear this shit.

My mum (who is a certified babe) tried to jump in and help me out by asking if my dad wanted to know anything specifically about my boyfriend or would like to meet him earlier. My dad finally broke his silence (he had been screaming internally the entire time, I’m sure).

‘I’ve heard enough. I don’t want to know anything. Keep me in the dark. I’ll meet him when the time is right but there is no rush.’

‘Would you like to know anything else, dad?’

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‘ABSOLUTELY NOT.’

He then went about eating his dinner and I left because it was bloody awkward and I wanted the ground to open and swallow me up.

We haven’t spoken about my relationship since and I’m more than happy to keep it that way. Obviously, I tell my mum everything because she’s cool and a little nosy; we also have that kind of chilled out relationship where I can tell her anything without being judged for it.

Rest assured, there will definitely be a follow up as and when my boyfriend meets my family. We’re all crazy so it should be a very interesting experience!

Another One

At some point, my posts will become more regular, I promise. But life often gets in the way of all of that.

Things have been relatively uneventful. Everything in my life is steady and settled, for once. Stability may seem boring for some but I relish it. Some exciting things have occurred though and some other less exciting but kind of important things have also happened. Here’s a list (I LOVE LISTS).

  • I got diagnosed with PCOS (polycystic ovary syndrome) which explains a lot. Well, not a lot, just my adult acne, which has been driving me insane considering I never had acne when I was a teenager. Having PCOS is like having another awkward bout of puberty. Anyway, I wrote an article about it for babe, so I’m going to shamelessly plug it here. (Can we also appreciate my fire selfie that’s been used at the top of the article?)
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My selfie is lit

  • I had the most amazing time out with my best friend, her boyfriend and my boyfriend last weekend. We drank too much, ate too much and laughed too much and it was fabulous. They’re my people and I love them so much!
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We were #squadgoals at the weekend

  • I have a new job! It’s in social media. Yes, that’s right. All of the time I spent after work on social media and building a brand for myself has finally paid off! I now feel as though I can legitimately be called the Meme Queen. My boyfriend was previously just calling me it because I not-so-subtly hinted that I love memes (i.e. I kept spamming his FB messages with memes) but now I have earned the privilege of the title…kind of.
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This genius gif doesn’t need a caption

  • I’m making excellent progress with my book. I’m not writing as much as I would like to because it’s emotionally exhausting. I can’t believe that I’m the same person that wrote all of these diaries and went through all of that. It doesn’t seem remotely real. It feels like a nightmare that someone else lived, not me. It’s been a cathartic exercise though; I feel like that part of my past is well and truly over and I’ll never relapse.
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Actual footage of me writing my book

And that’s just about it!

Quickie

I haven’t updated in forever but it’s been hectic. I’ve barely had any spare time at all! This weekend actually marks the first weekend I’ve had without any plans in over a month. I’ve been seeing friends, spending time with my boyfriend and generally been gallivanting every weekend.

Things are actually okay. I’m the happiest I’ve been in years and I’m sure that’s down to having the most incredible friends and an amazing boyfriend. Other parts of my life could be better, but I’m already working on improving those parts of my life. I can’t complain too much as things have been much worse for me even in the recent past.

I’m making fantastic progress at the gym too. I really want to get back in shape and fit back into all my size 6 clothes so I’m going about it in a healthy way. I’m going to the gym around three times a week and adding more vegetables to my diet. If anyone asked what the hardest part is, it’s definitely not the exercising. That’s easy. It’s having to chomp on vegetables. I don’t mind some vegetables but I’m extremely picky!

I spent a whole week down in Exeter recently and it was one of the best weeks of my life! I was shocked at how easily I slipped back into being a student; it was as though I’d never left. It’s nice to know that some things don’t change. Exeter Uni is much the same. It was great to be back in Exeter in general; it’s a beautiful part of the country and I don’t think I’ll ever get bored of it. I also had the chance to catch up with some of my dearest friends who are still at the uni and I don’t think I’ve laughed or smiled so much in a very long time! Also, I love driving to and from Exeter. Long distance driving is a lot of fun, especially when you have a playlist that’s lit AF.

I also have a new tattoo which is based on traditional henna styles. It took three hours and it’s extremely intricate but it looks lovely. I had it done on my right forearm, which as some of you know has some significance for me. I used to self harm there and I finally feel as though that part of my life is behind me now. I feel happy. Well okay, I still have my awful days and my depression seems to be a life-long thing for me, but things are better. I don’t ever feel the need to self harm anymore. I’m proud of how far I’ve come.

Dating and Dickpics: Episode 12

As you can tell, my quest for love is still ongoing as we are now into our 12th episode of the tales of my tragic love life.

The past month has seen many different changes and dates. I have a new job which I’m looking forward to starting so I’ve been out and about a fair bit before I settle into the routine of the 9-5 life. I’m also writing a book! That’s the most exciting news, really. It’s going to take me a while but I’m chipping away at it every day. I’m actually shocked at the level of self-discipline I have. I mean, I’ve even held off watching Grey’s Anatomy because I dedicate my afternoons to writing, leaving evenings for watching TV.

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It seems like I do have a story and it’s getting published

Unfortunately, I haven’t had the same luck in my love life. I gave a guy I dated once a second chance…and he blew it. He contacted me recently after going AWOL for a few months. I told him that yes we had chemistry, but I was still unsure about him because he just disappeared and went radio silent for months. He told me he still liked me and wanted to take me out on a date so I agreed. Everything was fine, even up until the night before. We were talking and he was saying just how much he was looking forward to seeing me the next day.

I woke up the next morning feeling positive. He hadn’t called or texted to say he couldn’t make it so the date was still happening. I picked out my outfit, got ready and headed off to the tube station to hop on the next train to King’s Cross. When I was around 10 minutes away from that tube stop, I texted him saying I was on time and I’d meet him at Covent Garden at 3.30pm like we had agreed.

Then shit hit the fan. He texted me, telling me not to ‘leave home’ when I clearly already had. He said he was still at work. I asked what time he was going to finish — if it was a couple of hours, I could easily kill time in a bar or something. No, he was going to finish at 5pm. I told him I could do some shopping and wait until he was ready, then we could just grab dinner and some drinks. He said no, that we should reschedule and he would be too tired and too moody to go on a date after work.

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REALLY?

So let’s get this straight. He knows it takes me an hour to get to King’s Cross. He knew I would leave my house at 2.30pm. He didn’t inform me then that in fact, he couldn’t leave work at 1pm like his boss said he could. He would’ve known by 2.30pm that he was working late and couldn’t make the date. So why didn’t he inform me? I was livid. I’d wasted all that time and make up and he had actually stood me up. I’ve never been stood up in my life. I was so fuming that I was on the verge of tears (I do that annoying angry-cry thing). It was so rude, unacceptable and inconsiderate. I turned around and made my way back home. On my journey, I texted him and told him he shouldn’t dare to contact me again, that he’s a fuckboy and no, we won’t reschedule, because he’s rude and he can go to hell in a handcart. I actually wanted to let go and call him every name under the sun, but I’m too classy for that…somehow.

My mum and brother were super supportive. My brother, who is actually a really chilled out guy, said that he was appalled that I’d been stood up and that he was furious on my behalf. He also said that I should’ve joined him and his wife as they were only a few tube stops away and they would’ve gladly dished out tea and sympathy. However, I knew if I had taken them up on their generous offer, I probably would’ve burst into tears and I really just wanted to go home and get cuddles from my mum instead.

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My mum’s hugs are epic

I also went on a couple of dates with another guy, but that didn’t lead anywhere. Well, that was my decision really. I think that having been on so many first dates, I’ve fine-tuned my list of what I want from a guy and that means making tough decisions and not compromising on anything at all. I have high standards and people often remark that because of said high standards, I’ll probably be alone, but I’d rather be alone than settle for someone who makes me compromise on things that I really can’t compromise on. I still hold out some hope that I may find love, but it may take a lot longer than I thought. I could quite easily date someone who isn’t right for me for the sake of it, but that wouldn’t be fair to the other person. It’s better to be single and continue the search.

There is another man on the cards though. It’s all hush-hush at the moment and I won’t be spilling the tea any time soon. I don’t want to jinx it because this may actually have potential, but we’ll have to see what happens in due course.

In other news:

  • I’ve already started writing my book. It’s going pretty well, if I do say so myself.
  • I’m having a mini-staycation back in Exeter at the end of November (and if any of you are still there, hit me up so we can arrange something). I cannot wait to go back and rediscover my love for that place.
  • Unfortunately, there was a huge fire in Exeter which means I won’t be visiting one of my favourite places there because it’s been burnt down to a cinder. At least I’ll always have the memories.
  • Reminiscing about Exeter has made me realise just how hard it is to get decent cider in London. I’ll be drinking a lot of cider that weekend.
  • I’m working on Halloween so I can’t celebrate it, but I came to the conclusion that if I was celebrating, I’d have dressed up as The Joker.
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This is my aesthetic #goals

Dating and Dickpics: Episode 11

At this point, I wonder if there will ever be a time where I stop writing D&D. I love writing it, but I would love to find…well, love.

I seem to have the worst luck when it comes to fuckboys. The guy I was making heart-eyes over in D&D 10? He was a complete fuckboy. I think he realised after the first date that sex was off the cards completely. He thought he could change my mind about it. For some reason, men seem to think that no matter how strong a woman’s convictions are, they are God’s gift to women and will change her mind somehow. No man is ever that amazing. Even if it was Idris Elba, it wouldn’t happen.

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Sorry Idris. I love you but no sexy time.

So I was back in the dating game once again and I found a man who made everything sound so promising. He wasn’t exactly my type but I’m a believer in giving most people a chance if I find we are compatible enough to get along. He actually met me when I was on a night out with my friends. I’d only told him in passing that I’d had a busy day planned but we’d be in a nightclub that evening if he wanted to join us and to my surprise, he turned up. He was courteous and polite. We spent almost an hour outside the nightclub just talking and getting to know each other. After, we exchanged numbers and texted every day until our first official date. That date went swimmingly well. As did our second date. By the end of our second date, I thought that this guy had potential.

But things are very rarely a fairytale, especially in my life.

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I was kind of rooting for him.

His true colours were revealed on my birthday, ironically. So for my birthday, I was betrayed and lied to. I have to say, I wouldn’t have coped with the aftermath without my amazing friends (you know who you are). I got over it in time, but I think that what hurt more was another betrayal that blindsided me; he quickly became an afterthought and collateral damage in the end.

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Party pooper.

Despite this, I am grateful for both the fuckboy and the I’ll Ruin Your Birthday guy too. They both taught me some lessons, which are:

  • No man is ever worth breaking a promise you made to yourself.
  • Talk is cheap.
  • Actions speak louder than words.
  • If a guy suddenly goes silent for more than a day, he’s not into you.
  • It’s easy to say you’re a feminist and believe in equality but your actions will always betray you.
  • Never stay with a man who thinks that talking to other men is a crime.
  • If someone lets you down at the last minute, you’re not their priority, so get rid of them.
  • You never really know someone’s true intentions until it’s too late.

Despite all this drama, I’m still feeling positive. I know I have the love and support of my friends and I couldn’t have picked myself back up without them. I love you guys.

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#SquadGoals

It’s not all doom and gloom though. I’ve decided that I really need to test men out when I date them and not take everything on face value because as I mentioned above, talk is cheap and it’s easy for men to tell you what you want to hear just to get in your pants or take advantage of you in other ways. Looking back, there were many things wrong with Party Pooper guy but I looked past them because he was just so kind and polite and I thought I could compromise. The fact is, I really can’t. I’m bad at compromising when it comes to love and although I used to think that was a flaw, I don’t think it is now. I know what I want and I won’t settle for less because…well, why should I? Why should anyone settle for less?

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Don’t compromise.

I’m excited to announce that I do have a date this coming weekend. I’m looking forward to it because the guy is miles apart from the guys I’ve dated recently. He’s intelligent and very interesting. Hopefully it all goes well and I don’t make a complete embarrassment of myself. But at the moment, I’m not reading much into it. A date is just that — getting together to find out more about each other. And if this doesn’t work out? Onto the next date.

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Bring it on!

 

Dear Fuckboy

Dear Fuckboy,

I really thought everything was going well. We’d been talking for well over a month and we had that spark that I’d been missing with everyone else I’d spoken to. I finally had the courage to put myself out there after so long; I’ve been bitten more times than I care to remember and I was so shy as a result. But you seemed worth it. The banter was great and your texts always made me smile. I remember being frightfully nervous just before our first date. I was panicking on the train to Covent Garden where we planned to meet.

Our date couldn’t have gone better. I remember, in between giggles and sips of cocktails, thinking ‘this is the best date I’ve been on’. You were exactly what you had promised you’d be: you were funny, charming and a good conversationalist. I went home that evening on cloud nine. We texted each other when we got home to see if we’d both reached safely and you told me you had a great time.

The next week was more of the same. We relayed sweet and silly texts to one another, both dreaming about our next date the following weekend.

Then something happened. Something happened and you never gave an explanation. I gave you the benefit of the doubt, believing that you’re ill or busy, so I let it slide. You had told me you were unwell previously so I texted to see if you were okay as I was worried. You told me you were fine and that I needn’t worry about you. So I didn’t.

Then I texted you the following day, asking how it was going as you were ill and presumably at work. I didn’t get a reply all day. After hours of overthinking (thanks to my anxiety, which you know I have), I decided to give in and ask if you if you were no longer interested in me, because that was how it was feeling considering you had been online and waved it around in my face, read my text and not replied. I somehow went to bed and fell asleep, with some false hope that you would’ve replied that morning. Pretty much everyone around me was saying that you’d lost interest because you don’t read someone’s texts and not reply for the whole day.

The next morning came. The only texts I had received were from my best friends. I texted you to tell you that I got it, it’s over, but you could’ve had the decency to tell me. You read that message and didn’t dignify it with a response.

For someone who is older than me, I have to applaud just how mature you behaved! Maturity is, after all, ignoring someone you asked to be your girlfriend the week before. Maturity is not clearly stating that you were no longer interested. Maturity is leading a woman on for over a month and then opting for radio silence.

You told me you were different. You begged me for a chance, for a date. You promised you were different from all the rest, that you meant what you said, that you would never lie. You promised that you’d never hurt me.

Really, you were exactly like the others. In fact, you were worse, because other fuckboys never lied to me like you did.

So goodbye, dear fuckboy. Thanks for diminishing my trust in men just that little bit more. Thanks for making me second-guess everything the next man who tries to date me says and does. Thanks for making me feel like I’m not worth someone’s time. Thanks for making me believe that finding a genuine, good man is just a myth.