Dating and Dickpics: Episode 3

Welcome to another installment of Dating and Dickpics. Apologies for not updating the column sooner but I’ve not been in the best health lately. But I am back with more hilarious stories about the woes of online dating.

The past few weeks have mostly provided me with unwarranted sexual harassment. I got a message from a guy who, after saying ‘hi’ to me, asked for sex. Sorry but why do men think that this is an acceptable thing to say just because it’s online? It is, quite frankly, disgusting. You wouldn’t ask a random person on the street for sex, so why do it online?

I spoke to an Italian guy online. It was going alright and he seemed nice enough. Besides, if you speak a foreign language that I speak, you are more likely to get a response because I find it fun to practice my language skills. Then it turned sour, like some mozzarella that had gone off. I don’t care who you are. I don’t care what language you speak. It is NOT okay to sexually harass a woman, even in a different language. I am fluent in Italian and I know a hell of a lot of Italian slang, so I knew that he was being sexually explicit in the following message. Ladies, if a guy ever says ‘la tua figa‘, he’s talking about your pussy. He kept saying how much he wanted to do stuff to me. How fucking disgusting! The worst part? When I didn’t reply, he just kept sending sexually explicit messages to my account. I ended up saying ‘sei un pezzo di merda, vaffanculo!’ (great to use if you ever are being sexually harassed by an Italian guy — merda is worse than the F word in Italy) and blocked him.

Bellissima...unlike the chat from the Italian dude

Bellissima…unlike the chat from the Italian dude

As you know now, I do use Tinder. It’s quite fun actually. Anyway, I started talking to this guy who has a big corporate job in central London. All was going well except for a couple of things. He has this think about last minute plans which really pisses me off. About a week ago, he said he was heading to Kingston that very minute; it was around 9pm. I’d already turned down for the night — pyjamas on, wine bottle open and looking forward to a night in with my mum. He then texted me and said ‘I’m going to get drunk in Kingston, come join me’.

Snapshot of my Friday nights at home

Snapshot of my Friday nights at home

Hang on a minute.

  • You’re already on your way to Kingston.
  • You expect me to hop on a train to Kingston when I’m in my pyjamas and not remotely ready to just hop out of my house.
  • We’ve not been talking for long, how can I trust you?
  • You know I don’t live near Kingston — it’s about a 40 minute drive from my house, if not more, so it’s even longer on the train.
  • What happened to common courtesy i.e. forward planning?

He then repeated this the following week, telling me at 10pm on Thursday that we should meet after work on Friday in central London and we could see where the evening takes us. I’m all for spontaneity on dates: I like meeting up at a specific time on a specific day at a specific place. I like advance notice before embarking on a date. I think it’s only polite and courteous to plan something in advance; otherwise it makes the other person feel like they’re a last minute thought and a last minute resort because you have no one else to hang out with. I feel this guy had a complete lack of manners because of the lack of notice. Funnily enough, when I didn’t agree based on the fact that there’s no forward planning, he asked if  was okay/asked if I was having a bad day because he’s ‘never gotten that reaction before’. No, I’m not having a bad day. I just don’t like bad manners. I  think the worst part is that on said Friday after work, it was my mum’s birthday, which I explained to him, yet he expected me to ditch her on her birthday? Also, what’s wrong with having basic standards i.e. someone who likes to give people advance notice for dates?

Furthermore, who the fuck do you think you are? The only people I will drop everything for are my best friends.

I don’t know why guys think dating sites = places to sexually harass women. Some guy my age messaged me and it didn’t seem like a bad thing to talk to him — he said I looked cute and had a cool profile, then proceeded to ask me what my favourite movie was. So in response, I thanked him and told him that my favourite movie was the one, the only: THE GODFATHER.

The Godfather is my favourite movie, of course!

The Godfather is my favourite movie, of course!

Then he went silent for a while (as most of the people on dating websites do). When he replied, he told me that he’d found a girlfriend on the dating website and was wondering if I’d like to partake in a threesome. WHAT THE ACTUAL FUCK. Why would that ever be a reasonable thing to ask basically a stranger online? Also, in my basic profile information, it states what I am looking for (dating, friendship, long-term relationship) and that I am straight. Why do guys think girls will make an exception when it comes to sexual preference for them? Why do guys think that all girls must somehow be game for a threesome with another girl? Also, what a fucking cheek. I through everything and the kitchen sink at him and asked how he could ever justify asking anyone that question. His response? ‘We’re both horny’. The fact that he even tried to justify asking someone to join in on sex — someone who is a complete stranger, who thought you were a nice person and not a fucking pervert — is beyond despicable. If you want someone to toss into your sex life, get a prostitute. It’s not hard. Asking someone who is not a sex worker for sexual favours online is never acceptable and yes, it IS harassment.

There just seems to be a plethora of weird (not in a good way) men and men who have no sense of what is appropriate or not online. I had one guy who was 43 message me (my profile says ‘looking for men aged 21 – 31) and he asked if I would like to meet up for him to give me up to £1000 cash with no strings attached. I told him that evidently, from my profile, this is not what I was looking for and I do not entertain sugar daddies at all. He then got offended and told me ‘not to judge so quickly’ and then blocked me. Apparently, calling a spade a spade doesn’t go down too well.

You can't buy me, bitch

You can’t buy me, bitch

 Another guy was much like Mr ‘What’s Your Favourite Movie’. The conversation started off okay and the guy was good looking so I replied. He asked what I was looking for so I said ‘friendship/dating and then if anything develops, a relationship’. As you all know by now, I am very open and honest. He then asked, despite knowing the answer based on what I said I was looking for, if I liked ‘to enjoy sex and have fun’ i.e. would I sleep with him? Call me old fashioned but isn’t it best to say something along the lines of ‘okay I’m looking for sex so we’re clearly not looking for the same thing, so bye’ and not to ask intrusive, invasive questions? If you know the person is looking for something serious and you just want sex, it’s better not to push the matter further. Where are the goddamn manners in our generation? Why do men just jump straight to sex questions, especially on a dating site where they can view a profile which in the first sentence says what you’re looking for? There seems to be a clear lack of respect for women on dating sites and inherent misogynistic attitudes from the majority of men on there. There’s definite everyday sexism present online.

Fuckboys piss me off

Fuckboys piss me off

Other shit that went down in the past couple of weeks:

  • One guy said he believes men and women should be equal but he refuses to call himself a feminist…did he realise he just proved why we need feminism in the first place? He said he felt he was frowned upon one time he went to a feminist debate. Perhaps because in that setting, a white cishet man’s voice wasn’t the dominant one? Doesn’t feel fun, does it? Try being a WoC; it’s like that every day for me. White cishet men dominate most spaces I try to participate in and I just get frowned upon. When I put him in his place about all this, he ran off and cried some male tears because he didn’t reply to me. If you’re going to try and have an intellectual discussion with me, at least admit your shortcomings.
  • That Greek guy we met in Episode 1? He matched with me on Tinder. I didn’t know whether or not to swipe right but I did because it was just too coincidental. Pobrecito thinks I’ll go on a date with him. He’s still a psycho ass bitch, so that’s not happening.
  • Some guy looked at my profile and tried typing out dodgy ass Spanish to me to get a reply from me. It did not work.
You won't charm me in Spanish unless you take tips from Romeo Santos

You won’t charm me in Spanish unless you take tips from Romeo Santos

An Alternative Contraception

The pill, condoms… these are often seen as the only real options when it comes to contraception these days, being touted around by your local GP and sexual health clinic. In recent years, the implant has gained a lot of popularity because of its convenience – it lasts for three years and you can pretty much forget about it.

However, apart from condoms, the pill and the implant both have side effects which don’t agree with everyone, either because of heavy periods, hormonal complications, weight increases, or effects on moods etc. I was on Cerazette for six years…

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Dating and Dickpics: Episode 2

Welcome to another installment of Dating and Dickpics. I’ve had some very questionable things happen in the last week.

Firstly, there was the Lithuanian guy who was trying to argue that reverse sexism was a thing and that I was being sexist towards him because I called out his blatant sexism towards me. We were discussing our hobbies and I mentioned that I liked watching football but sucked at playing football (FIFA excluded, of course). He then said ‘well, you must like watching football, watching all those men running around is why you watch it’.


Get me on this and I’ll bloody have you!

Let me school you there, boy.

  • There are female fans of football. I know, shock horror!
  • We understand all the rules.
  • We support teams based on either family tradition or where we live, like men do (I frown upon glory supporters of any sex).
  • We watch football simply because it’s a fun thing to do, just like guys watch football because it’s fun.

Of course, there will be females and males who watch footie for the men running around like nutters and that’s fine, but to make the sexist assumption that all women only watch football because of the men playing is not on. So I told him as such and said I genuinely like football for what it is, an entertaining sport.

And somehow, he had the audacity to accuse me of reverse sexism because I was pointing out his sexism. Safe to say he’s been blocked for being a complete bellend.

Sorry CR7, you just don't do it for me...

Sorry CR7, you just don’t do it for me…

I’ve also received the pick up line of the century from an older dude. He was 36…sorry but unless you’re Tom Hiddleston, I’m not going older than 30. He said to me ‘if I buy you a Toblerone, would you go out with me?’ Talk about taking candy from strangers…

If you ain't T Hiddy, you ain't getting this fittie.

If you ain’t T Hiddy, you ain’t getting this fittie.

Other than that, it’s been fairly uneventful apart from this gorgeous Portuguese guy called Tiago. He’s really hot, he lives in London, he’s 25. Oh Tinder, you have delivered. There’s just a few problems…well, just one, to be honest. He seems too keen. As soon as he finds out I’m not working on a specific day, he’s like ‘let’s meet up tomorrow’. Sorry but whatever happened to the art of planning in advance?! Also, central London is a fair way for me. And he wants me to go over to his place? Sorry for being cautious and shit, but I don’t go to anyone’s house on a first date. Or even a second date. Safety first. So perhaps Tinder hasn’t delivered, because he’s too pushy. I kind of thought the whole art of dating was to accommodate the other person and make sure they were comfortable in the place that you’re going on your first date? I think it’s safe to say I won’t be going on a date with him…

Think I know his real intentions...

Think I know his real intentions…

On another note, whilst I was promoting episode one of Dating and Dickpics, some random twat on Twitter actually sent me a full nude picture of himself and asked me to rate him. So now I will.

  • You’re never going to get anywhere if you send women unsolicited nudes.
  • That’s actually sexual harassment because I haven’t consented to such disgusting pictures.
  • You’re ugly, fat and pervy. Can I score minus marks?

NO. Just stahp.