Another One

At some point, my posts will become more regular, I promise. But life often gets in the way of all of that.

Things have been relatively uneventful. Everything in my life is steady and settled, for once. Stability may seem boring for some but I relish it. Some exciting things have occurred though and some other less exciting but kind of important things have also happened. Here’s a list (I LOVE LISTS).

  • I got diagnosed with PCOS (polycystic ovary syndrome) which explains a lot. Well, not a lot, just my adult acne, which has been driving me insane considering I never had acne when I was a teenager. Having PCOS is like having another awkward bout of puberty. Anyway, I wrote an article about it for babe, so I’m going to shamelessly plug it here. (Can we also appreciate my fire selfie that’s been used at the top of the article?)
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My selfie is lit

  • I had the most amazing time out with my best friend, her boyfriend and my boyfriend last weekend. We drank too much, ate too much and laughed too much and it was fabulous. They’re my people and I love them so much!
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We were #squadgoals at the weekend

  • I have a new job! It’s in social media. Yes, that’s right. All of the time I spent after work on social media and building a brand for myself has finally paid off! I now feel as though I can legitimately be called the Meme Queen. My boyfriend was previously just calling me it because I not-so-subtly hinted that I love memes (i.e. I kept spamming his FB messages with memes) but now I have earned the privilege of the title…kind of.
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This genius gif doesn’t need a caption

  • I’m making excellent progress with my book. I’m not writing as much as I would like to because it’s emotionally exhausting. I can’t believe that I’m the same person that wrote all of these diaries and went through all of that. It doesn’t seem remotely real. It feels like a nightmare that someone else lived, not me. It’s been a cathartic exercise though; I feel like that part of my past is well and truly over and I’ll never relapse.
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Actual footage of me writing my book

And that’s just about it!

2016 Wrap

It’s New Years Eve and I’m in a hotel in London with the love of my life. 2016 is almost over; in a few hours we’ll be kissing at midnight and dancing, drunk on both alcohol and excitement about what the next year has to bring. Considering this, I thought it would be appropriate to reflect back on the year.

Bad things:

  • Donald Trump. Need I say more?
  • Brexit: not as disastrous as it could be but we have yet to see the actual fallout.
  • ISIS/terrorism: ISIS and other terrorists claim to he Muslim, but killing innocent people in the name of God is the least Islamic thing you could do. Don’t think for one second these assholes are actual Muslims.
  • The government trying to censor porn. Seriously, why? Why is female ejaculation such a taboo? It’s a natural thing. And if it’s legal and the porn is made consensually, what’s the problem?
  • Sexism, the patriarchy and misogyny. All are still alive and kicking.
  • Transphobia, homophobia, LGBTQ*+-phobia. This has got to stop.
  • People are still making jokes at the expense of people with disabilities. It’s the 21st century, STOP.

Good things:

  • I have an amazing boyfriend and I’m in love. I was so cynical about love before him. He’s a good friend I’ve known for years and the finest man I have ever had the privilege of being in a relationship with.
  • I’ve got a stable, rewarding job.
  • Writing a book about anorexia in order to help other people who may be suffering, with a particular focus on mental health in the BAME community.
  • My family are all happy and healthy, which is all you can really wish for.
  • One of my dear friends moved from The Netherlands to London so we were able to finally meet in person after years of chatting online. So grateful for her friendship and some incredible days out!
  • Spending time with my best friend, who never fails to make me smile (and get me drunk). Buying identical skirts in Camden, because we have brilliant swag. Love you.
  • Seeing my other best friend happy to be back in Chile. I miss him dearly but I’m super jealous of all of the awesome weather he’s enjoying!

All in all, 2016 has been awful but personally, I have been blessed by some incredible events in my life. I can’t really complain. I’m in love and life finally looks good. It’s the first time in years that I genuinely feel excited about the new year and what it may bring. I hope you all have a great NYE and NYD! I hope 2017 is a fantastic year for you and those you love.

Love,

Millie x

Dating and Dickpics: Episode 13

13. Unlucky for some. But as someone with seemingly endless bad luck, I like to think 13 can signify some sort of change.

Well, unfortunately, there’s no change here. I was recently at work on a Wednesday morning, quite happily tapping away on my keyboard and coding paperwork, minding my own business and listening to Drake (obviously) when my phone vibrated against the cool, hard wooden desk I’d placed it on. I figured it was one of my friends trying to arrange plans for the weekend so I didn’t hesitate to open it.

It was an anonymous dickpic.

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Scarred for life

I’m not entirely sure what’s worse: a dickpic from a man you know or a dickpic from a complete stranger. Both are intolerable in my eyes and both are embarrassing but perhaps more so from the stranger because they are under the false illusion that somehow, their penis is so magnificent and aesthetically pleasing that you will jump on the next tube to their place naked.

I told the dick in question that his actions were repulsive and that I was not interested. I told him the sight of his ghastly manhood made me want to vomit. He proceeded to call me a whore. Right, I’m the whore. You’re the one who sent a picture of your genitals to a stranger, but I’m the whore. I preceded to destroy his logic by telling him that clearly he’s the whore out of the two of us because he’s so desperate for sex that he’s flashing his penis to an anonymous person. He then used some colourful language and after telling him to have a quick one-two pump in his hand because that’s all he could manage, I blocked him.

Lesson? I will always call you out on your bullshit and I will always have the last word if you dare disrespect me.

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Queen of Effortless Clapbacks aka me

There was another guy who decided to stumble his fuckboy-ways back into my life. He texted me after months and months of silence. His excuse? He’s ‘choleric’. In case you wondered, he’s talking about one of the Four Temperaments which have been wholeheartedly disproved. This was his oldy-worldy way of saying ‘I’m a fuckboy and I’m only messaging you because I want sex and for some reason, I think that I’m so special you’ll break two and a half years of celibacy for me’.

Any guesses on how I dealt with that?

Did I:

  • A: Express my wonder at him texting me again and partake in some polite conversation?
  • B: Make it crystal clear that I am looking for something serious, not a party in my pants?
  • C: Explain how much of a fuckboy he is, only for him to beg for another chance?
  • D: C, but sass him down and block his sorry ass?

The answer is D, because I don’t suffer fools gladly. I was a little shocked that he had bothered to text me but then again, if a fuckboy wants sex, they will magically remember the number of anyone they ever met with a pulse. I don’t think he actually remembered me. He did vaguely describe the night I met him but I really could’ve been any girl he met in any bar in London. He was horny and desperate. I am neither of the two and I have exacting standards.

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I’ll call you out if you’re a fuckboy

Remember how earlier on I was talking about how 13 is unlucky for some? It seems that this installment of D&D shows a change in luck, for I was recently with someone who met my exacting standards. We spent some time together and it was absolutely magical. It was, quite simply, the best weekend of my life (and I’m happy to say he also enjoyed it). He’s a good friend of mine and someone I feel extremely comfortable with. I don’t have to pretend to be someone I’m not. I don’t have to be perfect. My imperfections aren’t a big deal to him. He makes me smile uncontrollably and laugh like a complete goofball. The best bit? I managed to successfully introduce him to my real, true love, Grey’s Anatomy. It’s all very early days but I’m excited and for once, I’m happy. Long may it continue. And although I love all of my readers dearly, I hope this is the last Dating & Dickpics I have to write in a very, very long time.

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It wasn’t as cheesy as this but considering I’m a 20-something Bridget Jones, this picture seemed appropriate (note: I am cheesy)

Dating and Dickpics: Episode 11

At this point, I wonder if there will ever be a time where I stop writing D&D. I love writing it, but I would love to find…well, love.

I seem to have the worst luck when it comes to fuckboys. The guy I was making heart-eyes over in D&D 10? He was a complete fuckboy. I think he realised after the first date that sex was off the cards completely. He thought he could change my mind about it. For some reason, men seem to think that no matter how strong a woman’s convictions are, they are God’s gift to women and will change her mind somehow. No man is ever that amazing. Even if it was Idris Elba, it wouldn’t happen.

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Sorry Idris. I love you but no sexy time.

So I was back in the dating game once again and I found a man who made everything sound so promising. He wasn’t exactly my type but I’m a believer in giving most people a chance if I find we are compatible enough to get along. He actually met me when I was on a night out with my friends. I’d only told him in passing that I’d had a busy day planned but we’d be in a nightclub that evening if he wanted to join us and to my surprise, he turned up. He was courteous and polite. We spent almost an hour outside the nightclub just talking and getting to know each other. After, we exchanged numbers and texted every day until our first official date. That date went swimmingly well. As did our second date. By the end of our second date, I thought that this guy had potential.

But things are very rarely a fairytale, especially in my life.

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I was kind of rooting for him.

His true colours were revealed on my birthday, ironically. So for my birthday, I was betrayed and lied to. I have to say, I wouldn’t have coped with the aftermath without my amazing friends (you know who you are). I got over it in time, but I think that what hurt more was another betrayal that blindsided me; he quickly became an afterthought and collateral damage in the end.

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Party pooper.

Despite this, I am grateful for both the fuckboy and the I’ll Ruin Your Birthday guy too. They both taught me some lessons, which are:

  • No man is ever worth breaking a promise you made to yourself.
  • Talk is cheap.
  • Actions speak louder than words.
  • If a guy suddenly goes silent for more than a day, he’s not into you.
  • It’s easy to say you’re a feminist and believe in equality but your actions will always betray you.
  • Never stay with a man who thinks that talking to other men is a crime.
  • If someone lets you down at the last minute, you’re not their priority, so get rid of them.
  • You never really know someone’s true intentions until it’s too late.

Despite all this drama, I’m still feeling positive. I know I have the love and support of my friends and I couldn’t have picked myself back up without them. I love you guys.

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#SquadGoals

It’s not all doom and gloom though. I’ve decided that I really need to test men out when I date them and not take everything on face value because as I mentioned above, talk is cheap and it’s easy for men to tell you what you want to hear just to get in your pants or take advantage of you in other ways. Looking back, there were many things wrong with Party Pooper guy but I looked past them because he was just so kind and polite and I thought I could compromise. The fact is, I really can’t. I’m bad at compromising when it comes to love and although I used to think that was a flaw, I don’t think it is now. I know what I want and I won’t settle for less because…well, why should I? Why should anyone settle for less?

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Don’t compromise.

I’m excited to announce that I do have a date this coming weekend. I’m looking forward to it because the guy is miles apart from the guys I’ve dated recently. He’s intelligent and very interesting. Hopefully it all goes well and I don’t make a complete embarrassment of myself. But at the moment, I’m not reading much into it. A date is just that — getting together to find out more about each other. And if this doesn’t work out? Onto the next date.

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Bring it on!

 

Dating and Dickpics: Episode 10

I’ve been really busy lately, writing for The Tab on a fellowship that I won so I haven’t had a chance to write here. I was also on a fixed term contract at a company but that ended so I have my life back!  Now I’m back and you just know I had to write D&D Episode 10! I’ve got some absolute gems for you.

There’s obviously been the usual sexual harassment online. I wonder if that will ever stop. I doubt it. For some reason, some men seem to think that if you’re on a dating site or app, it’s fine to sexually harass and intimidate you. In fact, I even received sexual harassment on Twitter, of all places. Some bloke thought he had the God-given right to ask me invasive questions about my sex life. I’m just astounded that there are so many fuckboys. They’re literally everywhere! I don’t even know if I should give them the time of day on D&D. I do tend to hand out some sassy replies though. For example, one guy said he was searching for a woman who loved to be eaten out for ‘the main event’. So I said that I was searching for a man who didn’t spout sexually invasive shit in their messages. He wasn’t happy but he’d pissed me off by writing such foul garbage in the first place. If you piss me off, expect to be dealt a worse hand.

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Fuckboys EVERYWHERE

There was this guy I was texting. We met on Tinder and it seemed to be going well. Tinder is a notoriously rubbish app to use and it has loads of bugs in it so we weren’t always getting notifications when we replied to one another so we decided to swap numbers and take it from there. That was the biggest mistake I ever made. Anyone who knows me knows that I have anxiety and therefore taking phone calls with strangers is really stressful for me. I panic and get anxious so I avoid them at all costs. Of course, if it’s one of my best friends on the other end of the line, I feel comfortable as I have known and loved them for years (shoutout to all of you, you’re the real MVPs). This guy, whom I have never met in my life, thinks that it’s fine to call me up even though I’ve explained that I don’t like answering the phone and that I have anxiety. Anyone who knows what anxiety is, even if they don’t know all about it, knows that people with anxiety tend to have panic attacks. So he was prepared to give me a panic attack because he wanted to call me. Of course, all the alarm bells are ringing at this point. Anyway, he was adamant that he was going to get the bottom of what I was ‘hiding’ because clearly, having anxiety isn’t a good enough reason not to pick up the phone according to him. I said I wasn’t hiding anything and I didn’t think we should meet up because he was clearly paranoid and if he couldn’t accept something as simple as me having anxiety and not being able to speak to essentially a stranger on the phone, this was never going to work out. He cooled off for a bit and then apologised, hoping to win favour with me again. No fucking chance. I told him I was no longer interested, to which he responded that it was fine because…

Because he thought I was ‘born a man’, in his words, and I wasn’t a ‘proper woman’ (because this huge transphobe thinks transwomen are not ‘real women’…after that comment, he really had no fucking chance because I won’t date a transphobe).

So according to him, I wasn’t picking up the phone because I was a born a man. What the hell? That’s absurd. Safe to say I was just so fucking done at that point.

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REALLY?

I love my trans-sisters for sure and I will always stand up for the trans community, but I find it pretty weird that he couldn’t accept my anxiety as the reason that I couldn’t talk on the phone and thought that the clearly logical explanation was that I was a transwoman. Firstly, there is nothing wrong with being trans. Secondly…surely it’s just common decency to give the person the benefit of the doubt and believe what they’re saying is true? Finally, I’m glad I saw his true, transphobic colours because I don’t date assholes who think it’s acceptable to insult people based on their gender. (If anyone was actually wondering, which I highly doubt because my readers are inclusive and awesome, I’m not trans.)

Well, this fine-ass woman (me) actually bagged herself a date with a right fittie. We’d been talking for weeks and we finally went out last weekend. It was so much fun! He’s amazing. I really like him and he really likes me. He’s so handsome, funny and just so much fun to be around. Seriously, I couldn’t stop smiling the whole day and when we said goodbye, I was genuinely sad to be going home. I bumped into a friend on the train home and she noted that I looked like I was high as a kite so I told her all about the date and how incredible he is. He’s so charming. Ugh, I sound like such a fangirl! It’s only been one date but it feels right. I feel like I can be myself around him and I’m really comfortable around him. He’s a great guy. I can’t wait to see him again (that’s happening tomorrow, actually). So maybe this is the beginning of the end of Dating & Dickpics!

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This is genuinely how I felt when I first saw him!

Wish me luck!

  • I’m super excited for tomorrow.
  • Nothing is as good as a gif picture.
  • The weather is lovely and I’d like it to stay like this until the end of summer.
  • I have to start planning my birthday party now that August is just days away and I have no idea where to go or what to do. I do know who I’m inviting though, so that’s one thing at least.
  • If anyone knows of any social media or writing jobs going, do let me know!

Dating and Dickpics: Episode 9

I can’t believe I haven’t written an installment of the prestigious Dating and Dickpics since February. I’m shocked at myself.

Since the chapter of my tragic love life, a lot has happened. There have been interesting developments in my career and I feel like I’m finally getting somewhere.

In my previous installment of D&D, I mentioned that I had a date with someone who propositioned me on Twitter. It was all very innocent as we’d had some banter about having disabilities and football. It all came about because of a show called The Undateables, which airs on Channel 4. As an avid social media user, I couldn’t resist tweeting whilst watching and supposedly, neither could he. Anyway, we seemed to get along so we followed each other on Twitter and pencilled in a date.

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I thought I’d get it…

Our first date was a laugh. We met up in Camden (my usual haunt) and had quite a few cocktails. By all accounts, we got on well. He wasn’t exactly what I was expecting (for one, I expected a deeper voice) but he seemed nice and intelligent. After our first date, we started texting non-stop and arranged another date, but this time nearby his university. I was intrigued because I’d actually applied to UCL for my undergraduate degree but decided to turn it down in favour of Exeter. That date also went swimmingly well. I was beginning to like him quite a bit. We spoke everyday and things were, by all accounts, going well.

Then things got weird, fast. He suddenly maintained a radio silence for a few days. I confronted him about it and told him that rather than playing games, it was just better if he was honest. My suspicions were confirmed: he was avidly trying to blank me. Why? Apparently I’m ‘too much’ and ‘too excitable’. He thought it was fine to be passionate about things, but not to the extent that I was. He didn’t get why the small things in life made me happy. Now, as someone with severe depression, if I didn’t hang on to these little things, I’d probably spend the majority of each day crying my eyes out.

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#depression #mentalhealth

I just couldn’t believe the audacity. You’re blaming me for being…myself? Getting excited about irrelevant stuff like Grey’s Anatomy, pugs and tattoos is just a part of who I am. I was thoroughly offended. When I’ve dated someone and it’s not worked out, it has never been because of my personality. 9/10 times, it’s been because I don’t want kids, or they’re just looking for a side chick. I’ve never had someone complain about what fundamentally makes up my personality.

Another thing I couldn’t quite fathom is why a grown ass man of 30 was trying to avoid me like a teenage boy than be honest and just tell me that he wasn’t interested. And to think the man was doing a Masters…he clearly needs a degree in courtesy more than anything.

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Since that, I haven’t dated much. I haven’t really had the time. I’ve either been working or trying to find work. I’m now working shifts, which makes dating a bit of a minefield. It does, however, mean that I’m more likely to see my best friends as they all work shifts too.

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I did start talking to a guy on a dating app. It seemed like it might go somewhere as we live in the same town, so meeting up wouldn’t be a problem. He seemed decent enough and I was willing to go out on a date with him.

I had just returned from London and received a formal job offer when I got a text from him saying that we should celebrate that very evening. I told him I couldn’t because I was exhausted from a long day and just wanted to stay at home with my mum and celebrate. He was bummed, but let it go. Then he began messaging me about meeting up the next day, which was a Saturday.

Here’s the thing. That Saturday was Eurovision. I haven’t missed a single Eurovision in my life and I wasn’t about to. I’m ever so slightly mad about Eurovision.

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Eurovision > every other day of the year.

So I told him I had pre-made plans and that I wasn’t going to rearrange my plans for a date. We could always do the following Friday as I wasn’t working and I’d be free all afternoon and evening. He wasn’t having it, though. He got all sulky and moody about the fact that I had plans and wasn’t prepared to drop them for someone who is essentially a stranger. He couldn’t get over it. He kept messaging me, saying how disappointed he was, how let down he felt. I was actually livid at this point. You are a stranger. I do not know you. What makes you think that my world revolves around you so much that I’m going to suddenly drop any plans I had just for you? Never mind the fact that he wanted to ‘stay out late’ with me, when I’d made it clear that I don’t like staying out past midnight (unless I’m with my best friends of course — I’m in safe company with them). It all sounded far too creepy for my liking, so I cut him loose. He hasn’t once tried to message me to apologise for his selfish behaviour and to be honest, I’m relieved he hasn’t because I’m sure that if he did apologise, he would somehow try and manipulate the situation for his own gain.

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Of course, I’ve had my dating app/website woes, but I will probably collate those into a Dating and Dickpics 9.5 as there are a lot. It’ll be a picture-heavy post.

  • Why do guys chase you and then go off the grid? This has happened with a suitor who I thought was genuinely interested. Perhaps not.
  • I like the concept of Bumble. It means that you can choose whether or not to talk to the guy you’ve matched with. However, when you do initiate conversation, why don’t they ever reply?
  • I’m fed up of every other man asking me what my ethnicity is. If you want to know, that just means you’re interested in fetishising me, not getting to know me.
  • ‘What that mouth do?’ ‘Lectures you on intersectional feminism.’
  • Everyone hot at my new workplace is either gay or taken.
  • Slowly but surely thinking life as a crazy cat lady would actually be a good future prospect and an increasingly likely one.
  • When is Tom Hiddleston going to just give in and marry me?
  • Coffee is bae.

Update

Just a quick update as I haven’t written in a while. My depression has been pretty bad so I haven’t felt like writing but I’m going to see my doctor next week so we can see what needs to be changed. I probably need a higher dose of my antidepressants or a change of antidepressants. Either way, it’s going to be under control and I need to just focus on that.

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I’m also seeing my squad next week and I can’t wait. Friends really do make everything better and I’m lucky enough to have some of the best friends in the world! Undoubtedly, they will cheer me up immensely.

I’m sure my mood will improve (I’m trying to be optimistic about things) so I will get writing soon.

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Other bits and pieces:

  • My mum is honestly Superwoman. She’s so supportive and lovely. I absolutely adore her.
  • The guy I had a few dates with ended up being really immature and a complete *insert expletive here*. I’ll go into detail in the next episode of D&D.
  • I’ve noticed that there are some people in my life who I can’t get rid of and they’re extremely toxic and will start an argument for absolutely no reason over something completely trivial.
  • I’m excited about St Patrick’s Day even though I’m not Irish.

7 Signs That You’re Still in Love with Your Ex (CultNoise)

4th December 2015

Getting over someone you thought you were truly in love with can be extremely hard. It is possible to do it, but a surprising amount of people seem to kid themselves into thinking that they are over their ex when actually, they are still in the throes of love and infatuation. Here are some telltale signs that you’re not as over them as you might think you are.

1. You Stalk Them on Social Media

You try to resist typing their name into Facebook or checking their tweets but somehow, you always end up back on their page; finding out who they’ve been hanging out with, if they have a new partner or where they’ve been lately. And if they blocked you because the breakup was bad, you ask your best friend to hunt down their actions for you. You find yourself wasting a great deal of time trying to find out every detail of their new life without you.

2. You Compare All Your Dates to Them

You might think that you’ve moved on because you’re dating, but do you find yourself subconsciously comparing your date to your ex? Do you compare their mannerisms to those of your ex? Or do you find that you’re making up reasons not to go on another date with them, knowing perfectly well that there’s nothing particularly wrong with them? If you can’t get through this mental block, you’re probably not over them.

3. You Fantasise About Them Whilst Having Sex with Someone Else

This is fairly self-explanatory. If you’re wishing they were the one getting nasty with you, you’re definitely not over them. Probably best to stop sleeping with whoever it is you’re sleeping with though, just in case they develop feelings for you – that will only get messy.

4. You’re Refusing to Get Out There and Play The Field

Of course, it takes time to get back in the dating game after a tragic heartbreak. However, if you’re resolutely swearing against talking or going on dates, it could be a sign that you’re not yet over your ex. Going on dates, even if they don’t lead anywhere, is a healthy way of moving on and showing yourself that there are plenty more fish in the sea. If you’re avoiding that at all costs, you may want to reassess things.

5. You Contact Them When You’ve Had a Tipple

Drunk texts are some of the worst crimes you can commit when you’ve had a few too many to drink. It’s fine if you’re texting your best friend because you’ve got bad beer goggles and can’t see that they’re standing a meter away from you, but drunk dialling or texting your ex is an abomination. An ex is an ex for a reason — there shouldn’t be any contact between the two of you for a while, especially if the breakup was bad. You’re especially vulnerable when you’re drunk too because alcohol means that your tongue is loosened, and who knows what you may confess!

6. You Still Talk About Them, Whenever You Can

Your friends will be there for you during the aftermath of your breakup, but if you’re still harping on about it 6 months later, still bringing them up in every conversation… yeah, that’s not a good sign. You may want to ease up though because, soon enough, that supportive friendship group may dwindle.

7. You’re Lost When You’re Alone

This one really depends on the dynamics of the relationship you had with your ex. If you spent a lot of time together and you don’t now know what to do with all the free time, apart from reminisce about your relationship, then you may need to find some new hobbies and other ways of occupying your time, instead of mulling over what could have been.

Dating and Dickpics: Episode 7

Sometimes I wonder when exactly I will stop writing D&D. I don’t think it’s going to come to an end any time soon though; the dating pool is seriously shallow at the moment. It’s full of fuckboys and guys who just want to waste your time or completely ignore your stances on key things like politics, children, religion etc. I guess it just means more entertainment for my loyal readers!

As some of you know, I was dating a guy for a few weeks. We really hit it off. He was funny as hell and he was quite interesting. He had a mental health problem so I felt he could relate to me because of mine. I actually think it broke down a lot of barriers because we refused to judge one another and were careful not to say anything insensitive. It was all a bit of a whirlwind really. Things moved pretty fast but we were both alright with it. There was only one issue. He told me on the first date that he was absolutely fine with not having kids and understood and respected that I never wanted them.

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Basically…

But if I’ve learnt anything through my dating woes, it’s that men lie, especially when it comes to the topic of kids. If you bring it up on the first date, they say they’re down with not having kids…only to turn around later and say ‘I thought I could change your mind’. Sorry, but I love myself more than I will ever love any man and I’d lose all self-respect if I did a u-turn on something I have felt and believed in since I was a child myself.

Things were going well until we were messaging one night and we started discussing what our perfect partner would be like and obviously, the children thing came up. He then went away for a couple of hours and allowed his dad to completely influence his decision, saying that he couldn’t live with the potential possibility that he may never have kids. I actually tried to think of ways around it in which I didn’t have to compromise on not having children (from experiences within my own family and circle of friends, it’s easier to go from wanting them to not wanting them than vice-versa). But in the end, he wasn’t prepared to entertain anything I was bringing to the table. I don’t even think that the children thing would’ve broken us up, to be honest. He had no sense of direction and his priorities were all wrong whereas I’m very headstrong, so we would’ve gone our separate ways because of that.

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Bitchslap and move on

Valentine’s Day is just around the corner and that can only mean one thing: another year without being able to celebrate it. Consistency is key, guys. 22 years and counting. Anyway, I’m planning on spoiling myself and reminding myself that I do have love in my life, irreplaceable love from my friends and my family which is ultimately the most important kind of love. But you know, a guy to snuggle up with would be nice. But I have a bottle of vodka to snuggle up with so it’s essentially the same thing.

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Let’s be honest, this is how we’re all spending Valentine’s Day

Now, for the usual roundup of dirtbags I encounter on the internet.

 

israel

Talk about counting your chickens before they hatch…this guy was genuinely prepared to move from Israel for me.

perv

So you think it’s perfectly acceptable to message a girl who is less than half your age? In what world is that okay? I felt so creeped on when I read this message, especially considering I wrote on my profile that if a guy is over 32, he needn’t bother messaging me.

gross2

I’ll never understand why some guys think it’s acceptable to just ask sexual questions on the internet. Would you go up to someone in the street and ask them when they last had sex? Believe it or not, the people behind their computer screens are real. They have feelings and they don’t like to be sexually harassed online.

fuckboy

Guys, when a lady’s profile says that she is looking for dating and something serious, do not then ask for casual sex. You’re asking a stranger for sex. That’s desperate. Has it ever worked? Who can honestly say that they met the love of their life on a dating website by asking them if they wanted sex?

picky

Apparently insulting a girl is the best way to get her. Calling me ‘picky’ is never going to work. So sorry that I have high standards. #sorrynotsorry

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Sometimes I wonder if people bother reading anything in my profile. You’re 39. You’re 17 years older than me. You were an adult when I was born. End of discussion.

girl

This is an entirely new technique that I was baffled by. Now, we all know I’m superficial. I’ve rejected people based on the way they look. I’m not particularly proud of it, but I don’t see the point in being with someone I don’t find physically attractive. When this girl messaged me, my first thought was ‘who the hell gets their friend to do the talking for them? And who thinks they’re going to get anywhere without a single picture of themselves?’ I couldn’t even respond to this one.

ewwww

Firstly, calling someone ‘sexy’ is not a good compliment. Secondly, I burst out laughing when I saw this and absolutely had to respond. I’ll give him credit, he did say ‘okay cool’ after I responded.

In other news:

  • I had a dream that Ed Sheeran was my boyfriend and I never wanted to wake up.
  • I went on a date at the weekend with a really great guy. He’s attractive, funny and really intelligent. Maybe my ice cold heart will melt with this one.
  • I’m buying myself a present for Valentine’s Day. Any excuse.
  • True love is basically Netflix, booze and snacks.
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I woke up like this

Dating and Dickpics: Episode 6

It’s been a long time since my last installment of this tragic yet comedic column, but I promise you, it has been worth the wait.

Last time I wrote D&D, I was going out on dates with one guy who I met at a house party. It turned out that he was a massive liar — he’d told me he was single at the party when actually, he had been seeing a girl for 6 years! I dumped him, but not because of that; I didn’t find out any of that until after I’d dumped him. He was so desperate that whilst dumping him, he was begging for my friendship but I just found him repulsive at that point. He was just so unattractive, suffocating and clingy, to the point where I just wanted to punch him in the face. After dumping him, his actual girlfriend contacted me and told me everything. In return, and as a sign of sisterhood, I told her everything. The long and short of it was that he wasn’t single when he told me he was and two timed both of us for a couple of weeks before dumping her for me, only for me to turn around and tell him I never wanted to see him again. He’d then gone begging the other girl to take him back. She didn’t. In the end, me and her got the last laugh.

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We got the last laugh

In November, me and my friends went out to celebrate my best friend’s birthday. The plan was simple: dinner, drinks, shisha, more drinks and then clubbing. The night was going swimmingly well and we were having a great time. In the nightclub, I went off to the bar and the dancefloor and started shaking my stuff.

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Accurate portrayal of my moves

I got dancing with some fairly attractive guy. Now I know what guys in clubs are like. They’re usually just after one thing. Now I’m in my 20s, I’m all about denying guys hook-ups and one night stands. I told this guy firmly after one dance that if he was genuinely interested in me, he would take my number and text me.

Sure enough, he came true on his promise. I was shocked, to say the least. He’s texted me sporadically since. Here’s what’s really getting my goat: he will text me saying, ‘I would love to meet up, can you meet up tomorrow/today?’ I’m sorry but whatever happened to decency and manners? Why do guys think that you’re just hanging around, waiting for them to text you, as though you’re actively moping around and staring at your phone, not making plans because they may text you? This kind of malpractice is disgusting and offputting. I am not going to go out with you if you don’t give me any notice. It’s not remotely considerate and it’s extremely thoughtless. Now at the moment, I am not working so I do have a lot of free time, but I always say no to this guy out of self-respect. I’d rather sit at home with my mum and a glass of wine and binge watch Grey’s Anatomy, thanks.

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‘Sorry I can’t come, I’m busy…’

Now, to finish off: some little points.

  • It’s almost New Year’s Eve and I’m single so I’ll be doing a shot of vodka at midnight. Who needs a midnight kiss when you can have vodka?
  • I’ve never been kissed under mistletoe and, irrespective of how badly I want that to change, I don’t think it will.
  • Entering another year single. Consistency is key, guys.
  • There’s a guy I like. I doubt he feels the same. One can dream, right?
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Preview of my NYE