Dating and Dickpics: Episode 13

13. Unlucky for some. But as someone with seemingly endless bad luck, I like to think 13 can signify some sort of change.

Well, unfortunately, there’s no change here. I was recently at work on a Wednesday morning, quite happily tapping away on my keyboard and coding paperwork, minding my own business and listening to Drake (obviously) when my phone vibrated against the cool, hard wooden desk I’d placed it on. I figured it was one of my friends trying to arrange plans for the weekend so I didn’t hesitate to open it.

It was an anonymous dickpic.

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Scarred for life

I’m not entirely sure what’s worse: a dickpic from a man you know or a dickpic from a complete stranger. Both are intolerable in my eyes and both are embarrassing but perhaps more so from the stranger because they are under the false illusion that somehow, their penis is so magnificent and aesthetically pleasing that you will jump on the next tube to their place naked.

I told the dick in question that his actions were repulsive and that I was not interested. I told him the sight of his ghastly manhood made me want to vomit. He proceeded to call me a whore. Right, I’m the whore. You’re the one who sent a picture of your genitals to a stranger, but I’m the whore. I preceded to destroy his logic by telling him that clearly he’s the whore out of the two of us because he’s so desperate for sex that he’s flashing his penis to an anonymous person. He then used some colourful language and after telling him to have a quick one-two pump in his hand because that’s all he could manage, I blocked him.

Lesson? I will always call you out on your bullshit and I will always have the last word if you dare disrespect me.

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Queen of Effortless Clapbacks aka me

There was another guy who decided to stumble his fuckboy-ways back into my life. He texted me after months and months of silence. His excuse? He’s ‘choleric’. In case you wondered, he’s talking about one of the Four Temperaments which have been wholeheartedly disproved. This was his oldy-worldy way of saying ‘I’m a fuckboy and I’m only messaging you because I want sex and for some reason, I think that I’m so special you’ll break two and a half years of celibacy for me’.

Any guesses on how I dealt with that?

Did I:

  • A: Express my wonder at him texting me again and partake in some polite conversation?
  • B: Make it crystal clear that I am looking for something serious, not a party in my pants?
  • C: Explain how much of a fuckboy he is, only for him to beg for another chance?
  • D: C, but sass him down and block his sorry ass?

The answer is D, because I don’t suffer fools gladly. I was a little shocked that he had bothered to text me but then again, if a fuckboy wants sex, they will magically remember the number of anyone they ever met with a pulse. I don’t think he actually remembered me. He did vaguely describe the night I met him but I really could’ve been any girl he met in any bar in London. He was horny and desperate. I am neither of the two and I have exacting standards.

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I’ll call you out if you’re a fuckboy

Remember how earlier on I was talking about how 13 is unlucky for some? It seems that this installment of D&D shows a change in luck, for I was recently with someone who met my exacting standards. We spent some time together and it was absolutely magical. It was, quite simply, the best weekend of my life (and I’m happy to say he also enjoyed it). He’s a good friend of mine and someone I feel extremely comfortable with. I don’t have to pretend to be someone I’m not. I don’t have to be perfect. My imperfections aren’t a big deal to him. He makes me smile uncontrollably and laugh like a complete goofball. The best bit? I managed to successfully introduce him to my real, true love, Grey’s Anatomy. It’s all very early days but I’m excited and for once, I’m happy. Long may it continue. And although I love all of my readers dearly, I hope this is the last Dating & Dickpics I have to write in a very, very long time.

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It wasn’t as cheesy as this but considering I’m a 20-something Bridget Jones, this picture seemed appropriate (note: I am cheesy)

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Dating and Dickpics: Episode 12

As you can tell, my quest for love is still ongoing as we are now into our 12th episode of the tales of my tragic love life.

The past month has seen many different changes and dates. I have a new job which I’m looking forward to starting so I’ve been out and about a fair bit before I settle into the routine of the 9-5 life. I’m also writing a book! That’s the most exciting news, really. It’s going to take me a while but I’m chipping away at it every day. I’m actually shocked at the level of self-discipline I have. I mean, I’ve even held off watching Grey’s Anatomy because I dedicate my afternoons to writing, leaving evenings for watching TV.

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It seems like I do have a story and it’s getting published

Unfortunately, I haven’t had the same luck in my love life. I gave a guy I dated once a second chance…and he blew it. He contacted me recently after going AWOL for a few months. I told him that yes we had chemistry, but I was still unsure about him because he just disappeared and went radio silent for months. He told me he still liked me and wanted to take me out on a date so I agreed. Everything was fine, even up until the night before. We were talking and he was saying just how much he was looking forward to seeing me the next day.

I woke up the next morning feeling positive. He hadn’t called or texted to say he couldn’t make it so the date was still happening. I picked out my outfit, got ready and headed off to the tube station to hop on the next train to King’s Cross. When I was around 10 minutes away from that tube stop, I texted him saying I was on time and I’d meet him at Covent Garden at 3.30pm like we had agreed.

Then shit hit the fan. He texted me, telling me not to ‘leave home’ when I clearly already had. He said he was still at work. I asked what time he was going to finish — if it was a couple of hours, I could easily kill time in a bar or something. No, he was going to finish at 5pm. I told him I could do some shopping and wait until he was ready, then we could just grab dinner and some drinks. He said no, that we should reschedule and he would be too tired and too moody to go on a date after work.

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REALLY?

So let’s get this straight. He knows it takes me an hour to get to King’s Cross. He knew I would leave my house at 2.30pm. He didn’t inform me then that in fact, he couldn’t leave work at 1pm like his boss said he could. He would’ve known by 2.30pm that he was working late and couldn’t make the date. So why didn’t he inform me? I was livid. I’d wasted all that time and make up and he had actually stood me up. I’ve never been stood up in my life. I was so fuming that I was on the verge of tears (I do that annoying angry-cry thing). It was so rude, unacceptable and inconsiderate. I turned around and made my way back home. On my journey, I texted him and told him he shouldn’t dare to contact me again, that he’s a fuckboy and no, we won’t reschedule, because he’s rude and he can go to hell in a handcart. I actually wanted to let go and call him every name under the sun, but I’m too classy for that…somehow.

My mum and brother were super supportive. My brother, who is actually a really chilled out guy, said that he was appalled that I’d been stood up and that he was furious on my behalf. He also said that I should’ve joined him and his wife as they were only a few tube stops away and they would’ve gladly dished out tea and sympathy. However, I knew if I had taken them up on their generous offer, I probably would’ve burst into tears and I really just wanted to go home and get cuddles from my mum instead.

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My mum’s hugs are epic

I also went on a couple of dates with another guy, but that didn’t lead anywhere. Well, that was my decision really. I think that having been on so many first dates, I’ve fine-tuned my list of what I want from a guy and that means making tough decisions and not compromising on anything at all. I have high standards and people often remark that because of said high standards, I’ll probably be alone, but I’d rather be alone than settle for someone who makes me compromise on things that I really can’t compromise on. I still hold out some hope that I may find love, but it may take a lot longer than I thought. I could quite easily date someone who isn’t right for me for the sake of it, but that wouldn’t be fair to the other person. It’s better to be single and continue the search.

There is another man on the cards though. It’s all hush-hush at the moment and I won’t be spilling the tea any time soon. I don’t want to jinx it because this may actually have potential, but we’ll have to see what happens in due course.

In other news:

  • I’ve already started writing my book. It’s going pretty well, if I do say so myself.
  • I’m having a mini-staycation back in Exeter at the end of November (and if any of you are still there, hit me up so we can arrange something). I cannot wait to go back and rediscover my love for that place.
  • Unfortunately, there was a huge fire in Exeter which means I won’t be visiting one of my favourite places there because it’s been burnt down to a cinder. At least I’ll always have the memories.
  • Reminiscing about Exeter has made me realise just how hard it is to get decent cider in London. I’ll be drinking a lot of cider that weekend.
  • I’m working on Halloween so I can’t celebrate it, but I came to the conclusion that if I was celebrating, I’d have dressed up as The Joker.
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This is my aesthetic #goals

Dating and Dickpics: Episode 9

I can’t believe I haven’t written an installment of the prestigious Dating and Dickpics since February. I’m shocked at myself.

Since the chapter of my tragic love life, a lot has happened. There have been interesting developments in my career and I feel like I’m finally getting somewhere.

In my previous installment of D&D, I mentioned that I had a date with someone who propositioned me on Twitter. It was all very innocent as we’d had some banter about having disabilities and football. It all came about because of a show called The Undateables, which airs on Channel 4. As an avid social media user, I couldn’t resist tweeting whilst watching and supposedly, neither could he. Anyway, we seemed to get along so we followed each other on Twitter and pencilled in a date.

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I thought I’d get it…

Our first date was a laugh. We met up in Camden (my usual haunt) and had quite a few cocktails. By all accounts, we got on well. He wasn’t exactly what I was expecting (for one, I expected a deeper voice) but he seemed nice and intelligent. After our first date, we started texting non-stop and arranged another date, but this time nearby his university. I was intrigued because I’d actually applied to UCL for my undergraduate degree but decided to turn it down in favour of Exeter. That date also went swimmingly well. I was beginning to like him quite a bit. We spoke everyday and things were, by all accounts, going well.

Then things got weird, fast. He suddenly maintained a radio silence for a few days. I confronted him about it and told him that rather than playing games, it was just better if he was honest. My suspicions were confirmed: he was avidly trying to blank me. Why? Apparently I’m ‘too much’ and ‘too excitable’. He thought it was fine to be passionate about things, but not to the extent that I was. He didn’t get why the small things in life made me happy. Now, as someone with severe depression, if I didn’t hang on to these little things, I’d probably spend the majority of each day crying my eyes out.

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#depression #mentalhealth

I just couldn’t believe the audacity. You’re blaming me for being…myself? Getting excited about irrelevant stuff like Grey’s Anatomy, pugs and tattoos is just a part of who I am. I was thoroughly offended. When I’ve dated someone and it’s not worked out, it has never been because of my personality. 9/10 times, it’s been because I don’t want kids, or they’re just looking for a side chick. I’ve never had someone complain about what fundamentally makes up my personality.

Another thing I couldn’t quite fathom is why a grown ass man of 30 was trying to avoid me like a teenage boy than be honest and just tell me that he wasn’t interested. And to think the man was doing a Masters…he clearly needs a degree in courtesy more than anything.

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Since that, I haven’t dated much. I haven’t really had the time. I’ve either been working or trying to find work. I’m now working shifts, which makes dating a bit of a minefield. It does, however, mean that I’m more likely to see my best friends as they all work shifts too.

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I did start talking to a guy on a dating app. It seemed like it might go somewhere as we live in the same town, so meeting up wouldn’t be a problem. He seemed decent enough and I was willing to go out on a date with him.

I had just returned from London and received a formal job offer when I got a text from him saying that we should celebrate that very evening. I told him I couldn’t because I was exhausted from a long day and just wanted to stay at home with my mum and celebrate. He was bummed, but let it go. Then he began messaging me about meeting up the next day, which was a Saturday.

Here’s the thing. That Saturday was Eurovision. I haven’t missed a single Eurovision in my life and I wasn’t about to. I’m ever so slightly mad about Eurovision.

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Eurovision > every other day of the year.

So I told him I had pre-made plans and that I wasn’t going to rearrange my plans for a date. We could always do the following Friday as I wasn’t working and I’d be free all afternoon and evening. He wasn’t having it, though. He got all sulky and moody about the fact that I had plans and wasn’t prepared to drop them for someone who is essentially a stranger. He couldn’t get over it. He kept messaging me, saying how disappointed he was, how let down he felt. I was actually livid at this point. You are a stranger. I do not know you. What makes you think that my world revolves around you so much that I’m going to suddenly drop any plans I had just for you? Never mind the fact that he wanted to ‘stay out late’ with me, when I’d made it clear that I don’t like staying out past midnight (unless I’m with my best friends of course — I’m in safe company with them). It all sounded far too creepy for my liking, so I cut him loose. He hasn’t once tried to message me to apologise for his selfish behaviour and to be honest, I’m relieved he hasn’t because I’m sure that if he did apologise, he would somehow try and manipulate the situation for his own gain.

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Of course, I’ve had my dating app/website woes, but I will probably collate those into a Dating and Dickpics 9.5 as there are a lot. It’ll be a picture-heavy post.

  • Why do guys chase you and then go off the grid? This has happened with a suitor who I thought was genuinely interested. Perhaps not.
  • I like the concept of Bumble. It means that you can choose whether or not to talk to the guy you’ve matched with. However, when you do initiate conversation, why don’t they ever reply?
  • I’m fed up of every other man asking me what my ethnicity is. If you want to know, that just means you’re interested in fetishising me, not getting to know me.
  • ‘What that mouth do?’ ‘Lectures you on intersectional feminism.’
  • Everyone hot at my new workplace is either gay or taken.
  • Slowly but surely thinking life as a crazy cat lady would actually be a good future prospect and an increasingly likely one.
  • When is Tom Hiddleston going to just give in and marry me?
  • Coffee is bae.

Dating and Dickpics: Episode 7

Sometimes I wonder when exactly I will stop writing D&D. I don’t think it’s going to come to an end any time soon though; the dating pool is seriously shallow at the moment. It’s full of fuckboys and guys who just want to waste your time or completely ignore your stances on key things like politics, children, religion etc. I guess it just means more entertainment for my loyal readers!

As some of you know, I was dating a guy for a few weeks. We really hit it off. He was funny as hell and he was quite interesting. He had a mental health problem so I felt he could relate to me because of mine. I actually think it broke down a lot of barriers because we refused to judge one another and were careful not to say anything insensitive. It was all a bit of a whirlwind really. Things moved pretty fast but we were both alright with it. There was only one issue. He told me on the first date that he was absolutely fine with not having kids and understood and respected that I never wanted them.

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Basically…

But if I’ve learnt anything through my dating woes, it’s that men lie, especially when it comes to the topic of kids. If you bring it up on the first date, they say they’re down with not having kids…only to turn around later and say ‘I thought I could change your mind’. Sorry, but I love myself more than I will ever love any man and I’d lose all self-respect if I did a u-turn on something I have felt and believed in since I was a child myself.

Things were going well until we were messaging one night and we started discussing what our perfect partner would be like and obviously, the children thing came up. He then went away for a couple of hours and allowed his dad to completely influence his decision, saying that he couldn’t live with the potential possibility that he may never have kids. I actually tried to think of ways around it in which I didn’t have to compromise on not having children (from experiences within my own family and circle of friends, it’s easier to go from wanting them to not wanting them than vice-versa). But in the end, he wasn’t prepared to entertain anything I was bringing to the table. I don’t even think that the children thing would’ve broken us up, to be honest. He had no sense of direction and his priorities were all wrong whereas I’m very headstrong, so we would’ve gone our separate ways because of that.

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Bitchslap and move on

Valentine’s Day is just around the corner and that can only mean one thing: another year without being able to celebrate it. Consistency is key, guys. 22 years and counting. Anyway, I’m planning on spoiling myself and reminding myself that I do have love in my life, irreplaceable love from my friends and my family which is ultimately the most important kind of love. But you know, a guy to snuggle up with would be nice. But I have a bottle of vodka to snuggle up with so it’s essentially the same thing.

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Let’s be honest, this is how we’re all spending Valentine’s Day

Now, for the usual roundup of dirtbags I encounter on the internet.

 

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Talk about counting your chickens before they hatch…this guy was genuinely prepared to move from Israel for me.

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So you think it’s perfectly acceptable to message a girl who is less than half your age? In what world is that okay? I felt so creeped on when I read this message, especially considering I wrote on my profile that if a guy is over 32, he needn’t bother messaging me.

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I’ll never understand why some guys think it’s acceptable to just ask sexual questions on the internet. Would you go up to someone in the street and ask them when they last had sex? Believe it or not, the people behind their computer screens are real. They have feelings and they don’t like to be sexually harassed online.

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Guys, when a lady’s profile says that she is looking for dating and something serious, do not then ask for casual sex. You’re asking a stranger for sex. That’s desperate. Has it ever worked? Who can honestly say that they met the love of their life on a dating website by asking them if they wanted sex?

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Apparently insulting a girl is the best way to get her. Calling me ‘picky’ is never going to work. So sorry that I have high standards. #sorrynotsorry

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Sometimes I wonder if people bother reading anything in my profile. You’re 39. You’re 17 years older than me. You were an adult when I was born. End of discussion.

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This is an entirely new technique that I was baffled by. Now, we all know I’m superficial. I’ve rejected people based on the way they look. I’m not particularly proud of it, but I don’t see the point in being with someone I don’t find physically attractive. When this girl messaged me, my first thought was ‘who the hell gets their friend to do the talking for them? And who thinks they’re going to get anywhere without a single picture of themselves?’ I couldn’t even respond to this one.

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Firstly, calling someone ‘sexy’ is not a good compliment. Secondly, I burst out laughing when I saw this and absolutely had to respond. I’ll give him credit, he did say ‘okay cool’ after I responded.

In other news:

  • I had a dream that Ed Sheeran was my boyfriend and I never wanted to wake up.
  • I went on a date at the weekend with a really great guy. He’s attractive, funny and really intelligent. Maybe my ice cold heart will melt with this one.
  • I’m buying myself a present for Valentine’s Day. Any excuse.
  • True love is basically Netflix, booze and snacks.
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I woke up like this

Dating and Dickpics: Episode 3

Welcome to another installment of Dating and Dickpics. Apologies for not updating the column sooner but I’ve not been in the best health lately. But I am back with more hilarious stories about the woes of online dating.

The past few weeks have mostly provided me with unwarranted sexual harassment. I got a message from a guy who, after saying ‘hi’ to me, asked for sex. Sorry but why do men think that this is an acceptable thing to say just because it’s online? It is, quite frankly, disgusting. You wouldn’t ask a random person on the street for sex, so why do it online?

I spoke to an Italian guy online. It was going alright and he seemed nice enough. Besides, if you speak a foreign language that I speak, you are more likely to get a response because I find it fun to practice my language skills. Then it turned sour, like some mozzarella that had gone off. I don’t care who you are. I don’t care what language you speak. It is NOT okay to sexually harass a woman, even in a different language. I am fluent in Italian and I know a hell of a lot of Italian slang, so I knew that he was being sexually explicit in the following message. Ladies, if a guy ever says ‘la tua figa‘, he’s talking about your pussy. He kept saying how much he wanted to do stuff to me. How fucking disgusting! The worst part? When I didn’t reply, he just kept sending sexually explicit messages to my account. I ended up saying ‘sei un pezzo di merda, vaffanculo!’ (great to use if you ever are being sexually harassed by an Italian guy — merda is worse than the F word in Italy) and blocked him.

Bellissima...unlike the chat from the Italian dude

Bellissima…unlike the chat from the Italian dude

As you know now, I do use Tinder. It’s quite fun actually. Anyway, I started talking to this guy who has a big corporate job in central London. All was going well except for a couple of things. He has this think about last minute plans which really pisses me off. About a week ago, he said he was heading to Kingston that very minute; it was around 9pm. I’d already turned down for the night — pyjamas on, wine bottle open and looking forward to a night in with my mum. He then texted me and said ‘I’m going to get drunk in Kingston, come join me’.

Snapshot of my Friday nights at home

Snapshot of my Friday nights at home

Hang on a minute.

  • You’re already on your way to Kingston.
  • You expect me to hop on a train to Kingston when I’m in my pyjamas and not remotely ready to just hop out of my house.
  • We’ve not been talking for long, how can I trust you?
  • You know I don’t live near Kingston — it’s about a 40 minute drive from my house, if not more, so it’s even longer on the train.
  • What happened to common courtesy i.e. forward planning?

He then repeated this the following week, telling me at 10pm on Thursday that we should meet after work on Friday in central London and we could see where the evening takes us. I’m all for spontaneity on dates: I like meeting up at a specific time on a specific day at a specific place. I like advance notice before embarking on a date. I think it’s only polite and courteous to plan something in advance; otherwise it makes the other person feel like they’re a last minute thought and a last minute resort because you have no one else to hang out with. I feel this guy had a complete lack of manners because of the lack of notice. Funnily enough, when I didn’t agree based on the fact that there’s no forward planning, he asked if  was okay/asked if I was having a bad day because he’s ‘never gotten that reaction before’. No, I’m not having a bad day. I just don’t like bad manners. I  think the worst part is that on said Friday after work, it was my mum’s birthday, which I explained to him, yet he expected me to ditch her on her birthday? Also, what’s wrong with having basic standards i.e. someone who likes to give people advance notice for dates?

Furthermore, who the fuck do you think you are? The only people I will drop everything for are my best friends.

I don’t know why guys think dating sites = places to sexually harass women. Some guy my age messaged me and it didn’t seem like a bad thing to talk to him — he said I looked cute and had a cool profile, then proceeded to ask me what my favourite movie was. So in response, I thanked him and told him that my favourite movie was the one, the only: THE GODFATHER.

The Godfather is my favourite movie, of course!

The Godfather is my favourite movie, of course!

Then he went silent for a while (as most of the people on dating websites do). When he replied, he told me that he’d found a girlfriend on the dating website and was wondering if I’d like to partake in a threesome. WHAT THE ACTUAL FUCK. Why would that ever be a reasonable thing to ask basically a stranger online? Also, in my basic profile information, it states what I am looking for (dating, friendship, long-term relationship) and that I am straight. Why do guys think girls will make an exception when it comes to sexual preference for them? Why do guys think that all girls must somehow be game for a threesome with another girl? Also, what a fucking cheek. I through everything and the kitchen sink at him and asked how he could ever justify asking anyone that question. His response? ‘We’re both horny’. The fact that he even tried to justify asking someone to join in on sex — someone who is a complete stranger, who thought you were a nice person and not a fucking pervert — is beyond despicable. If you want someone to toss into your sex life, get a prostitute. It’s not hard. Asking someone who is not a sex worker for sexual favours online is never acceptable and yes, it IS harassment.

There just seems to be a plethora of weird (not in a good way) men and men who have no sense of what is appropriate or not online. I had one guy who was 43 message me (my profile says ‘looking for men aged 21 – 31) and he asked if I would like to meet up for him to give me up to £1000 cash with no strings attached. I told him that evidently, from my profile, this is not what I was looking for and I do not entertain sugar daddies at all. He then got offended and told me ‘not to judge so quickly’ and then blocked me. Apparently, calling a spade a spade doesn’t go down too well.

You can't buy me, bitch

You can’t buy me, bitch

 Another guy was much like Mr ‘What’s Your Favourite Movie’. The conversation started off okay and the guy was good looking so I replied. He asked what I was looking for so I said ‘friendship/dating and then if anything develops, a relationship’. As you all know by now, I am very open and honest. He then asked, despite knowing the answer based on what I said I was looking for, if I liked ‘to enjoy sex and have fun’ i.e. would I sleep with him? Call me old fashioned but isn’t it best to say something along the lines of ‘okay I’m looking for sex so we’re clearly not looking for the same thing, so bye’ and not to ask intrusive, invasive questions? If you know the person is looking for something serious and you just want sex, it’s better not to push the matter further. Where are the goddamn manners in our generation? Why do men just jump straight to sex questions, especially on a dating site where they can view a profile which in the first sentence says what you’re looking for? There seems to be a clear lack of respect for women on dating sites and inherent misogynistic attitudes from the majority of men on there. There’s definite everyday sexism present online.

Fuckboys piss me off

Fuckboys piss me off

Other shit that went down in the past couple of weeks:

  • One guy said he believes men and women should be equal but he refuses to call himself a feminist…did he realise he just proved why we need feminism in the first place? He said he felt he was frowned upon one time he went to a feminist debate. Perhaps because in that setting, a white cishet man’s voice wasn’t the dominant one? Doesn’t feel fun, does it? Try being a WoC; it’s like that every day for me. White cishet men dominate most spaces I try to participate in and I just get frowned upon. When I put him in his place about all this, he ran off and cried some male tears because he didn’t reply to me. If you’re going to try and have an intellectual discussion with me, at least admit your shortcomings.
  • That Greek guy we met in Episode 1? He matched with me on Tinder. I didn’t know whether or not to swipe right but I did because it was just too coincidental. Pobrecito thinks I’ll go on a date with him. He’s still a psycho ass bitch, so that’s not happening.
  • Some guy looked at my profile and tried typing out dodgy ass Spanish to me to get a reply from me. It did not work.
You won't charm me in Spanish unless you take tips from Romeo Santos

You won’t charm me in Spanish unless you take tips from Romeo Santos