7 Signs That You’re Still in Love with Your Ex (CultNoise)

4th December 2015

Getting over someone you thought you were truly in love with can be extremely hard. It is possible to do it, but a surprising amount of people seem to kid themselves into thinking that they are over their ex when actually, they are still in the throes of love and infatuation. Here are some telltale signs that you’re not as over them as you might think you are.

1. You Stalk Them on Social Media

You try to resist typing their name into Facebook or checking their tweets but somehow, you always end up back on their page; finding out who they’ve been hanging out with, if they have a new partner or where they’ve been lately. And if they blocked you because the breakup was bad, you ask your best friend to hunt down their actions for you. You find yourself wasting a great deal of time trying to find out every detail of their new life without you.

2. You Compare All Your Dates to Them

You might think that you’ve moved on because you’re dating, but do you find yourself subconsciously comparing your date to your ex? Do you compare their mannerisms to those of your ex? Or do you find that you’re making up reasons not to go on another date with them, knowing perfectly well that there’s nothing particularly wrong with them? If you can’t get through this mental block, you’re probably not over them.

3. You Fantasise About Them Whilst Having Sex with Someone Else

This is fairly self-explanatory. If you’re wishing they were the one getting nasty with you, you’re definitely not over them. Probably best to stop sleeping with whoever it is you’re sleeping with though, just in case they develop feelings for you – that will only get messy.

4. You’re Refusing to Get Out There and Play The Field

Of course, it takes time to get back in the dating game after a tragic heartbreak. However, if you’re resolutely swearing against talking or going on dates, it could be a sign that you’re not yet over your ex. Going on dates, even if they don’t lead anywhere, is a healthy way of moving on and showing yourself that there are plenty more fish in the sea. If you’re avoiding that at all costs, you may want to reassess things.

5. You Contact Them When You’ve Had a Tipple

Drunk texts are some of the worst crimes you can commit when you’ve had a few too many to drink. It’s fine if you’re texting your best friend because you’ve got bad beer goggles and can’t see that they’re standing a meter away from you, but drunk dialling or texting your ex is an abomination. An ex is an ex for a reason — there shouldn’t be any contact between the two of you for a while, especially if the breakup was bad. You’re especially vulnerable when you’re drunk too because alcohol means that your tongue is loosened, and who knows what you may confess!

6. You Still Talk About Them, Whenever You Can

Your friends will be there for you during the aftermath of your breakup, but if you’re still harping on about it 6 months later, still bringing them up in every conversation… yeah, that’s not a good sign. You may want to ease up though because, soon enough, that supportive friendship group may dwindle.

7. You’re Lost When You’re Alone

This one really depends on the dynamics of the relationship you had with your ex. If you spent a lot of time together and you don’t now know what to do with all the free time, apart from reminisce about your relationship, then you may need to find some new hobbies and other ways of occupying your time, instead of mulling over what could have been.

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Dating and Dickpics: Episode 7

Sometimes I wonder when exactly I will stop writing D&D. I don’t think it’s going to come to an end any time soon though; the dating pool is seriously shallow at the moment. It’s full of fuckboys and guys who just want to waste your time or completely ignore your stances on key things like politics, children, religion etc. I guess it just means more entertainment for my loyal readers!

As some of you know, I was dating a guy for a few weeks. We really hit it off. He was funny as hell and he was quite interesting. He had a mental health problem so I felt he could relate to me because of mine. I actually think it broke down a lot of barriers because we refused to judge one another and were careful not to say anything insensitive. It was all a bit of a whirlwind really. Things moved pretty fast but we were both alright with it. There was only one issue. He told me on the first date that he was absolutely fine with not having kids and understood and respected that I never wanted them.

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Basically…

But if I’ve learnt anything through my dating woes, it’s that men lie, especially when it comes to the topic of kids. If you bring it up on the first date, they say they’re down with not having kids…only to turn around later and say ‘I thought I could change your mind’. Sorry, but I love myself more than I will ever love any man and I’d lose all self-respect if I did a u-turn on something I have felt and believed in since I was a child myself.

Things were going well until we were messaging one night and we started discussing what our perfect partner would be like and obviously, the children thing came up. He then went away for a couple of hours and allowed his dad to completely influence his decision, saying that he couldn’t live with the potential possibility that he may never have kids. I actually tried to think of ways around it in which I didn’t have to compromise on not having children (from experiences within my own family and circle of friends, it’s easier to go from wanting them to not wanting them than vice-versa). But in the end, he wasn’t prepared to entertain anything I was bringing to the table. I don’t even think that the children thing would’ve broken us up, to be honest. He had no sense of direction and his priorities were all wrong whereas I’m very headstrong, so we would’ve gone our separate ways because of that.

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Bitchslap and move on

Valentine’s Day is just around the corner and that can only mean one thing: another year without being able to celebrate it. Consistency is key, guys. 22 years and counting. Anyway, I’m planning on spoiling myself and reminding myself that I do have love in my life, irreplaceable love from my friends and my family which is ultimately the most important kind of love. But you know, a guy to snuggle up with would be nice. But I have a bottle of vodka to snuggle up with so it’s essentially the same thing.

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Let’s be honest, this is how we’re all spending Valentine’s Day

Now, for the usual roundup of dirtbags I encounter on the internet.

 

israel

Talk about counting your chickens before they hatch…this guy was genuinely prepared to move from Israel for me.

perv

So you think it’s perfectly acceptable to message a girl who is less than half your age? In what world is that okay? I felt so creeped on when I read this message, especially considering I wrote on my profile that if a guy is over 32, he needn’t bother messaging me.

gross2

I’ll never understand why some guys think it’s acceptable to just ask sexual questions on the internet. Would you go up to someone in the street and ask them when they last had sex? Believe it or not, the people behind their computer screens are real. They have feelings and they don’t like to be sexually harassed online.

fuckboy

Guys, when a lady’s profile says that she is looking for dating and something serious, do not then ask for casual sex. You’re asking a stranger for sex. That’s desperate. Has it ever worked? Who can honestly say that they met the love of their life on a dating website by asking them if they wanted sex?

picky

Apparently insulting a girl is the best way to get her. Calling me ‘picky’ is never going to work. So sorry that I have high standards. #sorrynotsorry

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Sometimes I wonder if people bother reading anything in my profile. You’re 39. You’re 17 years older than me. You were an adult when I was born. End of discussion.

girl

This is an entirely new technique that I was baffled by. Now, we all know I’m superficial. I’ve rejected people based on the way they look. I’m not particularly proud of it, but I don’t see the point in being with someone I don’t find physically attractive. When this girl messaged me, my first thought was ‘who the hell gets their friend to do the talking for them? And who thinks they’re going to get anywhere without a single picture of themselves?’ I couldn’t even respond to this one.

ewwww

Firstly, calling someone ‘sexy’ is not a good compliment. Secondly, I burst out laughing when I saw this and absolutely had to respond. I’ll give him credit, he did say ‘okay cool’ after I responded.

In other news:

  • I had a dream that Ed Sheeran was my boyfriend and I never wanted to wake up.
  • I went on a date at the weekend with a really great guy. He’s attractive, funny and really intelligent. Maybe my ice cold heart will melt with this one.
  • I’m buying myself a present for Valentine’s Day. Any excuse.
  • True love is basically Netflix, booze and snacks.
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I woke up like this

I Knew You Were Trouble

About a month and a half ago, I went out on a first date with a lovely guy called David. We instantly hit it off and he was a complete gentleman. He was 32 but I didn’t mind the age difference; after all the guys that I’ve dated that have been a similar age to me, I felt like an older guy was the way to go because of the maturity factor.

We had a whirlwind romance. He wooed and charmed me and before I knew it, we were in a relationship. I was so happy. He was always charming, sweet and polite. We couldn’t bare to spend even a week apart. I spent long weekends at his place and visited him on Wednesdays as a mid-week treat for both of us. He was so romantic and I was smitten. I thought I’d found The One, to be quite honest. Nothing about him bothered me.

But then things changed.

The reason I’m writing this is to serve as a cautionary tale to all of you. To warn you all about how quickly people can change when they think they have a sufficient hold over you.

He became controlling. He didn’t trust me. He knew that I had been cheated on in the past and it had broken my heart and he knew that I thought it was a disgusting thing to do. Despite this, he accused me of flirting with men. He didn’t like the fact that I have a lot of male friends. He hated it, in fact. He expected me to prioritise him over my friends, despite my belief that friends should come before anything else. After all, they’re the family you choose.

He read texts from my mum over my shoulder. He quizzed me about who I was following on Instagram and why I was liking a guy’s photo. He didn’t like the banter I had with one of my friends because he’s bisexual. He accused me of hiding things all the time.

I am an extremely open person. I didn’t care when he started following me on Twitter and I continued to tweet as I usually would (I’m hoping to write a memoir and my tweets are going to come in very handy). I kept posting things on Facebook that I usually would. Nothing about my behaviour changed. I didn’t hide anything. I have no secrets and I’m like an open book.

None of that mattered. He blamed everything but himself. He didn’t take a look in the mirror once and think that he may be partly to blame. He always started a fight, sulked and then blamed me for it all. It was somehow always my fault. Either that or it was because of his bad childhood and he still had unresolved anger issues. He was possessive, obsessive and jealous. He slowly began to make me cry more than he made me smile. He began stalking me online. No amount of ‘but I only love you, you’re the one’ or ‘I want to be with you’ pacified him.

That charm that I’d fallen for was just a façade. It was a mask he put on to win me over. As soon as he had me, all that disappeared. He swore at me several times and hung up on me when I had the audacity to defend myself and not just apologise like he expected me to.

On Friday, I decided to end it with him. I had done my first full day of work in months and had a great day. I was buzzing. I went home and that’s when he accused me of hiding something. Ironically, he told me he did trust me but he absolutely knew I was hiding something. I was fuming. A long, tiresome yet fun day ruined. I tried to talk to him rationally but apparently, the posh tone of my voice made it sound like I was talking to him as though he were a child. We eventually resolved it. Then, less than an hour later, another phone call. He’d told me he had no money for this weekend and that I would have to pay for everything. I didn’t mind — what we had planned was only going to cost £20. He told me to bring double what was necessary. God knows for what. He knows I am unemployed (I’m currently temping but you’re not guaranteed steady work). He knows my parents give me money. But at now 33 years of age, he was asking me for money. I always pay my way in relationships but this was the straw that broke the camel’s back. He wasn’t just asking me to pay for the weekend, he was asking me for money. Money that wasn’t even mine.

So that’s when I knew. I knew I was with the wrong person. He made me feel shit about myself and he guilted me and blamed me for everything. So I dumped him. I told him that I deserve better and it’s over. Like the mature adult that he is, he hung up on me and blocked me on every form of social media.

The cautionary tale? Be wary of charm. Keep your head and your heart separate and never let a person cloud your better judgement. I dread to think what would have happened if I had stayed with him any longer. His hold over me would have been too strong. I’m just shocked that I had the strength to leave him. I’d become so emotionally dependent. Although I sometimes feel worthless because of my depression, I knew I deserved better than the way he was treating me. He never apologised to me because he never thought he was to blame, even when he clearly was. I knew that if one of my best friends was in such a relationship, I’d be telling them that they needed to leave for their own good. I am sad that I left him because I thought he was special but I am overwhelmingly relieved. I’d rather be alone than unhappy.