Triggered

TW: verbal abuse, depression, anxiety, self-harm

I decided a while back that not only was this going to be a journalism blog, it was also going to service as a personal blog. Right now I’ve been triggered madly and I need to get this out of my system.

Today was going alright. I was chasing up some stuff to do with the company I used to work for and also deciding what to do today. I had a clear ‘to do’ list and I was confident that I could get through it.

I have online counselling for my depression and anxiety so I thought I’d do one of the modules as you’re supposed to try and do one a week. I got through the module and felt pretty depressed afterwards. The modules are designed to make you really think about your current circumstances and challenge your behaviours and feelings towards them but sometimes it can be pretty triggering. I told my mum I felt sad and she tried to talk to me, asking what she could do to help. I told her she couldn’t and that the feeling should pass but I just needed to focus on my ‘to do’ list and keep busy.

My dad didn’t overhear that I was feeling particularly depressed today but you could clearly see that I was down. I was saying in the hallway that I felt like an abandoned puppy. He yelled at me for not being ‘dressed’ in case the courier delivered my package. I was actually in my lounge-wear: some trackies and a top. I didn’t know I had to get out my best LBD to answer the goddamn door to a courier person.

I felt a little shitty after that. I spoke to mum whilst she laced up her trainers and then my dad shouted angrily, ‘she has to phone the company and chase up outstanding issues’. My mum jumped in to defend me, telling him that I’d done that as soon as I’d gotten out of the shower and thrown some clothes on. I said to him I’d already done it because I knew it was important. He then proceeded to tell me I was so stupid that he thought I was incapable of doing anything correctly and by myself. I was stupid for losing my job and I wouldn’t feel so depressed if I’d kept my job. He didn’t know I’d made the call because I was just too stupid and incompetent to do anything right.

Mum was appalled. She has to keep the peace until he goes to India this week so I know she won’t say anything, but I’m prepping myself for a fight. When they left the house, I broke down crying. I was already feeling worthless and miserable and that’s just added to it.

I wanted to self-harm. I haven’t felt the desire to self-harm in a long, long time. I haven’t self-harmed in even longer than that. The only thing keeping me from doing it is that I’m getting tattoos done this week and I might be getting one done on my forearm, which is where I usually self-harm. I don’t want to jeopardise my tattoos. These thoughts are extremely invasive though. I’m trying to be strong at the moment but I just want to cry and hurt myself.

I honestly wasn’t going to rock the boat before dad’s trip to India. I was going to be the bigger person and bite my tongue but I just can’t. I’ve had enough of being verbally abused.

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